His Design for my life

Where does misery and disgruntled get you? Miserable and disgruntled. You can never make everyone happy, and you will die trying if you think you can. Point and case, been there done that. I can point out everything in my life that has made me angry, sad, beaten, bruised, negative, and just plain blek! But if I am truly honest I can tell you other things that have made me laugh, made me happy, made me feel blessed beyond measure, and thankful for the days that I breathe.          I know I have said this time and again, and believe you me when I say I STILL struggle with knowing that holding onto the past gives my tormentors power they so do not deserve. I know I have people who say, well you just don’t understand, but you know what maybe I don’t. I can only share my experience, strength and hope that peace can be found. I refuse to lie down and take it, and not try and make a difference.          I can sit in my pit, or I can buck up and realize there is ALWAYS someone worse off th

“God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons we could not learn in any other way. The way we learn those lessons is not to deny the feelings but to find the meanings underlying them.”   Stanley Lindquist            Life will always be filled with hurt and betrayal, and that my friend is a continued life lesson for me. I guess it is the hope in some of us that it would end, but unfortunately it doesn’t. I feel like I have been consumed with this hurt from a betrayal a few months ago…I am still trying to let go. It is just so hard sometimes. It hurts so bad, that I literally can feel my heart breaking. Why am I giving these people my head space!!!?? They don’t deserve it. Old habits… so hard to die! I feel sometimes that I have taken 2 steps back because old thought patterns have resurfaced there ugly head. I pray that God gives me the strength I need to let go and move on. I share my struggles because I am human. I don’t hav

It has been almost a month since I have checked in, and I am sorry! Life seems to flip upside down every few years…not sure why, but this seems to be a trend for our family. I could do without it b/c I am a creature of habit, and I hate change even though I know it will stretch me. Left to my devices I would sit in the same place for a lifetime L I am freelancing full-time now so it makes me a little wore out from being on the computer! Writing all kinds of essays, research papers etc. Trying to earn my keep! LOL I also have once again….drum roll…gone back to school yet again! I think I figured out what I wanted to be when I grow up.   I am majoring in criminal justice. This will allow me more access and pull to advocate for victims of any kind of abuse. I didn’t see this coming, but sometimes I just have to trust that God knows my path. I have also felt myself pull back due to some betrayal from people I thought would not desert me. Needless to say they did. I hate it, b/c I have wo

Who am I? Where do I belong? I don’t know if others that were raised similar to my upbringing can understand (hope they do), I am struggling badly. I promised I would be honest and transparent, and here it is boys and girls.   I have no job. I want my book to do well, but not for me, my goal was for what I can give back…so where does that leave me? Floating in the sea of unknown.  The only thing (besides my kids and hubby) that I get up for now is this fan site. It is amazing how alone you can feel in a world of thousands around you…why is that?   I am truly trying to figure out where God wants me right now, but guess what? I am holding the reins, and won’t let go! Old habits die-hard. With me in charge will only cause heartache. It is in these moments when you want to turn to a friend, a parent, anyone…but honestly the only one that is going to hold the answers is God. I know this, but I fight it tooth and nail!  So frustrating. When I say this site keeps me going, please

The New Footprints Author Unknown Now imagine you and the Lord Jesus are walking along the beach together. For much of the way the Lord's footprints go along steadily, consistently, rarely varying in the pace. But your prints are in a disorganized stream of zig zags, starts, stops, turnarounds, circles, departures, and returns. For much of the way it seems to go like this. But gradually, your footprints come in line with the Lord's; soon paralleling His consistently. You and Jesus are walking as true friends. This seems perfect, but then an interesting thing happens; your footprints that once etched the sand next to the Master's are now walking precisely in His steps. Inside His large footprints is the smaller "sandprint," safely enclosed. You and Jesus are becoming one; this goes on for many miles. But gradually you notice another change. The footprints inside the larger footprints seem to grow larger. Eventually it disappears altogether. The

Was working on a study for my small group, saw this, and thought I would share... Twelve Steps to forgiveness Openly recognize wrong deeds to be wrong deeds Recognize that your anger is not only normal, but necessary. Realize how ongoing bitterness will ultimately hurt you. Learn from your problems by establishing better boundaries Refuse to be in the inferior position and resist the desire to be superior. Avoid the futility of judgments, letting God be the ultimate judge. Allow yourself permission to grieve. Confront the injuring party if appropriate. Find emotional freedom as you let go of the illusion of control. Choose forgiveness because it is part of your life’s mission Come to terms with others wrong deeds by recognizing your own need for forgiveness. Become a source of encouragement to other hurting people. From: The Choosing to Forgive Workbook, by Les Carter, PHD, and Frank Minirth, MD

I wrote this paper my junior year of high school! Can't believe I found it! I was one intense teenager! The Room Intense emotions gripped the sympathy filled funeral home. Teardrops persisted to slide down my visage. It was like viewing the rain on a chilled winter night. My eyes were growing very accustomed to the depressing scene, for I had been through this many times. The family members of this lost one were dark and sullen in appearance. My feelings continued to fall deeper and deeper, to the lowest depths of the earth. I could not remove my eyes from his lifeless form. The sight engraved like stone in my mind forever. I got up to say my last goodbyes, so confused and asking why. Gradually I approached the still casket made as a bed. I looked down, and the sight overwhelmed me. I started to shake and tremble, unable to be controlled. Friends and family tried to pull me away, but I could not let my best friend go. His face had been made up like a china doll to hide the abra

It has definitely been a whirlwind couple of weeks! I had my first book signing, which was a new experience for me! I am by no means a social butterfly, and I hate being the center of attention… so this is a stretch for me! I am the one who likes to blend into the background. Old habits die-hard! Seen, not heard…when that is all you know, it is a tough nut to crack. I am working on it… I am still not real sure where all of this is leading, but I am just so grateful and humbled by the people that have touched my life due to my book. While I am not surprised that I have not heard from other choice people, it still saddens me that some will just hold on to their pride instead of doing the right thing. I have said it before, life has many disappointments, but it also has many amazing and divine opportunities. I am trying to focus on the divine, because there is nothing I can do about what others choose. Something else that happened this past weekend that really frustrated me was we

Are you ever really ready for what life may throw you? I think, for myself that is where faith comes in. It is sooo difficult for me to not try and control all that is around me. Even though honestly, I don’t control any of it at all. Life sometimes feels like a looking glass. Do you ever just stop and look at the people that you pass by? The guy holding the sign that says “will work for food”? How easy could that become you or me? We all have dreams and goals right? My dream when I finally decided to publish my book was to have the ability to help others like myself, to give back. Until then, I was also working full-time at a day job to make ends meet. As of last Friday, I am now unemployed. Am I scared? Yes & No. I know God will provide. Maybe this was His way of telling me my focus needed to be solely on my book, and all the outreach that I was limited on doing b/c of my job. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I do know that there is no such thing as a sure thing in th

A part of who I am, is a part of who you tried to make me I fought you I still fight you Is that so hard to understand? Many hurts Not enough happiness Filled with pain till it was too much Than depleted like it is not enough Where do I go from here? Who do I trust? You? Me? Life is a jigsaw puzzle Always trying to fit the pieces together Did we ever think Maybe for one second They aren’t supposed to fit?

A Time for Everything-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (NIV)   1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: As we walk through this life what are we looking for? Acceptance? Completion? Other human beings will always fail us, always hurt us, and always let us down, but there is One who won’t.   2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, We always are congratulating, excited, and in awe when someone gives birth…as the child grows older most lose their fascination with that child and what is cute. Why is that? Those children become jaded because of us. A child has an insurmountable amount of faith when they are young…we end up squeezing it out of them as a society. A time to die. It is so hard to deal with death of a loved one, whether family or friends, it is so hard to say goodbye. As days go on I stop, much more than I ever use to, and look around me. Amazed at what God has created, and saddened by the signs that satan still

Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last. The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed.”-
Wayne Dyer When I saw this quote today, it rang so true for the events that have happened over the last week. None of us have a future that is guaranteed, but we live our lives as if we do. You go to bed one night, wake up the next morning, and poof your life, as you knew it is over. Doesn’t matter how old you are. I know I am guilty for it, because hey thinking about death is not so fun! I read an article not to long ago that said something to the effect of “if there is no God, and we just “poofed” here, and we are the ever evolving ape person, than what is the point of life at all? (I totally paraphrased that!) Some may say that is a little drastic thought process, but to me…made perfect sense. I cannot imagine living my life based on no faith, no hope, no purpose, etc…what would be the point? And I know I cannot wrap my mind around the ever a

“You have a choice. Live or die. Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be.”- Chuck Palahniuk When I read this quote I want to say that I know sometimes it feels like we don’t have a choice. Feel being the operative word. Sometimes life just plain sucks, but you still have a choice. When we take it upon ourselves to contemplate taking our own life, we are in turn saying to those who love us, “I am sorry, but your love just isn’t enough”. I know that may seem harsh, but realistically there is truth behind it. I should know I have contemplated suicide more than I ever should have. Mainly it was during times I was under the influence, which just exacerbates those emotions without fully understanding the consequences of what those actions will bring to those around me when I am long gone. Life is tough. Life can be filled with happiness, sadness, disappointment, death, life, and the list goes on. We have a choice to throw in the towel or not too. It is

"The Michie man charged with shooting his estranged wife in front of their 6-year-old daughter Friday was out on bond at the time of the slaying on three cases in which he was charged with various sexual charges and assault." www.jacksonsun.com This article is only one of 4 that I read today regarding domestic violence that ended in death. Significance you ask? It is the fourth homicide involving domestic violence in Tennessee this year. As I read through each article a particular theme was constant…they all had a prior record involving some form or another of domestic disputes. This particular guy was out on bond for 3 other charges he was facing.   My blood boils when I repeatedly hear how family& friends knew there was a history and problems. If I hear one more excuse of why it isn’t any of your business, I might scream. (Not what was going to come out, but we are PG here) When is our legal system going to get it? How many more people have to die and thei

Will there ever be a day when I can read the news with out wanting to get physically sick for the injustice that continues to go on? It goes from a WA woman broadcasting sex acts with a 2 week old baby, 8yr old little girl, and a 6yr old little boy. What can you even say to that? I cannot even in my darkest days begin to even come close to rationalizing that one. How soon till these kids are given back to her? What does the future look like for them? There are so many sick and twisted people in this world that sometimes it is hard to not be pessimistic. When I posted the other day about the TX man who beheaded three children b/c he thought they were demons, and he was the chosen one…seriously who can possibly come up with this stuff? I do my best to not be a bible thumper on people, but I believe that the bottom dweller roams this earth, and works through people like the ones in these stories. Again, I ask myself, where is family and friends of these lunatics? I will say it over

Benjamin Koller agreed to speak with investigators and told them that he had dropped the baby several times and that the baby’s head once struck the corner of a wooden changing table, according to court reports. He also said he would hold his hands over his mouth to make the baby stop crying and that the infant had become unresponsive on occasion. Additionally, he noted jerking the baby around, once causing the baby’s head to butt into Benjamin Koller’s chin. He also described shaking the baby and biting him to rouse him after he became unresponsive. After the baby was hospitalized, he was diagnosed with severe brain damage. The 4-month-old died on Oct. 5, 2009. The Boulder County coroner ruled that Jack Koller died of the delayed effects of blunt force trauma to the head and ruled the death a homicide. This story is not a new one. I open the Internet every morning, and I am greeted with headlines just like this. Sometimes much, much worse, but the end result is the same. These chi

He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.  ~Raymond Hull You are the company you keep. Right? Why is it when you’re around certain people your behavior seems to change to accommodate their personality so that you “fit” in? Doesn’t that make you fake? I use to do this, but today I have people surrounding me that if they rub off on me, it is only for the better. Coming from an abusive background has always hindered my ability to say no. When I was younger I knew better than to defy my father, but as I got older it didn’t go away. I am a pleaser by nature, but now I fight it every step of the way. Not easy…feels like I am pushing and pulling against myself! We spend so much of our time wishing, wanting something else or to be someone else. Always wanting more. The sad part is some will step on anyone to get ahead, even family. This was short and sweet…had to get that off my chest. Be true to yourself…I know it is said all the time, but take it to heart.

Below is a post I commented on based on an article I read on domestic violence. My comments are in the black. Domestic violence is one of the most common crimes in America, and like sex offenses, one of the most under-reported crimes, advocates say. Victims often suffer in silence because of fear, shame and secrecy. "Gangs and domestic violence are the two most violent issues. Child sex (cases) is the other, and drugs are right in the middle of it." When I read this I was blown away. ONE of the most under-reported crimes, but one of the most common ! I just don’t understand the mentality behind this. My mother was killed 27 years ago, and I am being frank, not much has changed! Our war on drugs runs second to domestic violence…tell me I am not the only one that sees that as a major issue?! Drug dealers get more time than most DV offenders or even sex offenders for that matter. Why is that? "Verbal and emotional abuse is oftentimes the hardest to break free from,&quo


 "Take the first step, no more, no less, and the next will be revealed." 

-- Ken Roberts
 Why is this so hard for me to follow? Do you ever feel like you are brimming over with great words, but it really isn’t changing anything you are doing? As the saying goes “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”. I hate change. Always have, and probably always will b/c it scares me. That is another defect I have to work on, b/c allowing anything, such as fear, to have that power is unacceptable. I hear it all the time when change is inevitable…you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Why is that? For me I believe the truth lies in my own comfort & pride. Everything happens for a reason…I know that for a fact based on my life. Living by faith and not by sight is difficult. We are a society of instant gratification & instant answers thanks to the internet. (I swear I am a google addict) But honestly, this has reinforced us further into believing we have control of

“ You have to know the past to understand the present.”- Dr. Carl Sagan What am I so afraid of? That emptiness that eats at me…gnaws at my very core everyday…what will make it go away? I still have those moments when I feel like my heart has been ripped out, stomped on, and put through the blender. It takes so much effort sometimes to compartmentalize all the different feelings & emotions that my mind just decides to shut down, and go numb. My faith is the only thing that keeps dragging me back out of the pit. I overanalyze everything. I try not to, but it is a character defect that I have to continue to work on. I had so little control over my past that I hate to release any form of control now, even though I know realistically, I have no say in certain things anyway! I want so badly to make a difference…to know my purpose, but I feel like it constantly evades me. Like a hamster on a wheel. I get so frustrated when I try so hard to be honest & true to all of my shortcomin

“Because living with a narcissist can be extremely painful, it is important to understand You are not to blame Narcissists ensnare everyone Learning how to leave is important Rebuilding a life takes courage but you can do it”-narcissisticabuse.com Do you really want to hear what I have to say? Some do, some don’t. I believe narcissists are not just the abusers, but also the people that push or those we allow into our lives. Friends, family, co-workers etc. Learning to draw the line on what I am responsible for & what I am not can sometimes become blurred. Why you say? Well the narcissists that are or have been in our lives are very good at quilting & shaming us. The key is: only if WE allow it. Anyone that has had the ability to escape the person or people that are responsible for this unfortunately will continue to carry the scars for a lifetime. But the key once again: though the scars are there, they don’t have to consume you or define you! There are so many times I