His Design for my life

The pain never really goes away….I know I need to start writing again, but I tend to get caught up in just trying to live. If we can call it that. I buried my mother over 40 years ago…there is a hole inside of me that nothing has been able to fill. I didn’t just bury her, but part of me that day. She was so young. It is so depressing to me how we as a society just live so flippantly like tomorrow is promised. Do I feel cheated? 100%. Have I been the best mother? Probably not, but I can say with everything I still have left in me…I tried.  As a person, life happens. Stuff happens. It shapes us, and we look back years later, and say what the heck was I thinking?? But, at that moment we only see what's in front of our face…not tomorrow. Once they are gone. It is done. There is no do over. What was her favorite food? What made her happy? Those questions will never be answered.  Holding on to stuff that has happened is like a toxic poison. It is not hurting the ones gone or that did som

When life hits you right in the gut...how do you respond? I have become so angry, disappointed, hurt, that I literally have no relationships now. I literally wake up to work, and work to live nowadays. That is not a life. It's just too much. I tend to push people away...or I think I do. However, every time I look in the mirror, I don't know who is staring back at me. How did I let myself get here. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.  All the good things I did and overcame, have come back to run over me again just in different forms and variations. And the kicker...I allowed it. Hurt people, hurt people. Makes me want to sit in a corner and sob quite frankly.  I have always been a pleaser because of my upbringing...now, I still do the same, but now it just makes me very angry. Again, I am allowing it, but it is so innate in me. It is very lonely. The fact that I am writing again is good, but I also know that my health is not the best. I guess get it out because once you are gone

Alot weighing on me. I stay off here. Because honestly, it's toxic. I realized I said I would not stay silent...And, I did, again...And I found this...I said I would never be silent again.... yet... for many years I have.... This was in my drafts----- Learning to let go of what you thought life would be. Life, to some is clearly cut into categorization of black and white …. however , my world has always had shades of gray. It had to be for my survival. I realize now that most do not want, nor do they care to understand that. I ask myself constantly, where did I go wrong? I am not the best, but who is? Was I the worst? I think it is stretching it, but possibly, to those I am. However, I still believe there are bonds that don’t get broken so easily. Right?  I survived the most hellacious event of my life, watching my own mother take her last breath...I know I am broken by my past, but can you give a girl a break? I have to respect myself enough to let go. Literally, figuratively,