Skip to main content


Alot weighing on me. I stay off here. Because honestly, it's toxic. I realized I said I would not stay silent...And, I did, again...And I found this...I said I would never be silent again....yet... for many years I have.... This was in my drafts-----


Learning to let go of what you thought life would be. Life, to some is clearly cut into categorization of black and white…. however, my world has always had shades of gray. It had to be for my survival. I realize now that most do not want, nor do they care to understand that.


I ask myself constantly, where did I go wrong? I am not the best, but who is? Was I the worst? I think it is stretching it, but possibly, to those I am. However, I still believe there are bonds that don’t get broken so easily. Right?


 I survived the most hellacious event of my life, watching my own mother take her last breath...I know I am broken by my past, but can you give a girl a break?


I have to respect myself enough to let go. Literally, figuratively, and spiritually.  When those that you love to the core of who you are, and would give everything and anything for, do nothing but, turn their noses up, and cut you off, I have to decide. They, in my mind, have already made their choice. I need to wake up.


No matter what I do, accomplish, say, etc. It doesn't matter anymore. That option was taken against my will a long time ago. No matter what I do or say, it will always be clouded by a bigger voice than mine. I can’t compete, and I am making the choice not to. I shouldn't have to.


They will never respect me. That. Is their choice. I have to move on. I am making the choice not to chase after those that are too busy being pissed off (pardon my language) to get anywhere. I see that now. It’s a harsh reality when they are all I have/had in this life.


It is such a waste of life. I guess some of us get the “aha” moment when that person is already gone. However, most never will. I am grateful that I owned what I did when my grandma was dying. I wish I would have tried to address it early on, however, my pride, and the fact that she never said she was sorry for all the pain and heartache she caused me....pride.  Everyone has a story. We either choose to listen to it, or be selfish and self-centered and ignore it. But, that was not the point. I had to own my junk. Period. And, no matter what I endured. She was still MY grandma. My family. All I had.


Pride. Believing you have every right and reason to be hateful and stand on your soapbox… serves you well, eh? But who am I saying anything to? I am at that approaching age now, where I don’t know how much more life I have left. Not even trying to be morbid, but it is reality. I just have to pray to God, that I am doing the best I can with the rest of the life I have left, and pray I live forever with Him in the next.


Reality.


Love much. Forgive more. Give grace even when you don’t want to.


In Him,

April

Comments

  1. Stacey CookFebruary 2, 2023 at 4:03 AM

    April, you cross my mind often. Although we aren’t very well acquainted, I feel an undeniable connection to you. I’m happy to see you’re writing! It’s such a fantastic way to process & release emotion. You have incredible insight and are so amazingly strong! Be well, Beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anna HosfordFebruary 2, 2023 at 5:49 AM

    Ape, I sure do miss you! I love to hear what you are thinking and feeling. I am glad to see you are processing through your feelings by writing. I hope you are well and pray for you often❤️ love you

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Life as I knew it....

Lost. Confused. Hurt. So many emotions that have consumed most of my life, and have become again intensely prevalent in the last year. When I re-read my journals, writings, posts….I see a trend. I see the problems, but nothing changes. I can’t say I have not grown, matured, and learned the patterns, but there are still the same themes. Love. It is elusive, self-serving, and ambiguous to me. I don’t know if that will ever change, and it scares me. It may sound trivial to many, but when it is not afforded to you as a young child, it does affect your ability to grasp the complexity of it, and create healthy relationships. 2016, like 1983, changed the course of my life. 2016 was a year of a 20 year marriage ending. 2016 was a year of losing the last of familial relationships, I thought I might have. 2016 was a year of my 4 beautiful children experiencing excruciating pain and the broken illusion of a happy family. I would be lying if I said I have not felt like I was the worse failure
4 comments
Read more
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." ~Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.~ Rev. King is one of my inspirations to be a better person. To overcome adversity with grace, but with the fire to not back down when the going gets tough. I know it is so easy to say we stand for certain causes etc, but when it really comes down to it, do you really ? If I say that nothing will stop me from protecting another child or person in need. I stand behind it 110%. I had to be completely honest with myself & make sure my motives were realistic...because how can I write a book and proclaim that is what I stand behind, and than turn a blind eye to what is right in front of me? I used to wonder what I would really do if I was called on the carpet. The situation presented itself a few months ago. I felt God’s voice in my head asking, “what are you going to do?” I was leaving a
4 comments
Read more

Hard life lessons learned

“God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons we could not learn in any other way. The way we learn those lessons is not to deny the feelings but to find the meanings underlying them.”   Stanley Lindquist            Life will always be filled with hurt and betrayal, and that my friend is a continued life lesson for me. I guess it is the hope in some of us that it would end, but unfortunately it doesn’t. I feel like I have been consumed with this hurt from a betrayal a few months ago…I am still trying to let go. It is just so hard sometimes. It hurts so bad, that I literally can feel my heart breaking. Why am I giving these people my head space!!!?? They don’t deserve it. Old habits… so hard to die! I feel sometimes that I have taken 2 steps back because old thought patterns have resurfaced there ugly head. I pray that God gives me the strength I need to let go and move on. I share my struggles because I am human. I don’t hav
3 comments
Read more