His Design for my life

I know I have moments of my childhood that are complete blanks. I believe in some cases that is my own way of self preservation against memories I cannot handle. I try not to delve too deeply, b/c I am honestly afraid of what I might find. I ask myself "will it change anything?", no in most cases it won't, so why open myself up to more pain? Everybody learns to cope differently...I get that, but for me the memories I have are more than enough to make me nuts! Life right now feels like an out of control tornado. These times come around when my life has major decisions on the horizon. So much going on right now in my life, that I feel myself getting sucked in that hole. Questioning everything that I know to be true...why do I do this? Much of it is my personality, but mostly it is my lack of control that makes me crazy. I can't control someone else's pain or struggles...I can offer what has worked for me. Some one in my life is in the process of opening Pandora'

This weekend was a roller coaster ride. I found myself caught in a place I thought was long gone. All through grade school and high school I use to watch young girls with their moms, and that ache I felt when my mom died became a huge hole. I was so jealous that they were able to have those moments with their mom, shopping, talking, just being there for them. I yearned for it, but it just wasn't to be. Thus, the feeling of me on the outside looking in. I never felt like I "belonged" to anyone...I always felt "pushed" onto people...not a good feeling. When I would hear my friends bad mouth their parents, I would tell them to "be glad you have them". It was put in front of me this weekend. I didn't see it coming, and it hit me like a blow to the head. I began to feel inferior. I began to play the tapes of "I am not good enough", look at all the mistakes I have made, I don't deserve all the things i have been blessed with after all the t

Will I ever feel normal? Will I always be on the outside looking in? I never feel like I belong, and my gut continues to tell me all I say is wrong. Why couldn’t there have been just one? One that truly loved me so… Will this empty pit ever be gone? As I sit here alone, I know that is where I belong. I don’t understand any other way… What am I supposed to say? I feel the pressure sitting on my chest.. Why can’t I fit in like all the rest? I am hiding the tears because I have to be strong… I cannot be weak because than I truly do feel like a freak. I am trying not to feel sad, but it is so hard when all I feel is bad. Life will continue to move on, but I hope that I figure this out before I am long gone.