This weekend was a roller coaster ride. I found myself caught in a place I thought was long gone. All through grade school and high school I use to watch young girls with their moms, and that ache I felt when my mom died became a huge hole. I was so jealous that they were able to have those moments with their mom, shopping, talking, just being there for them. I yearned for it, but it just wasn't to be. Thus, the feeling of me on the outside looking in. I never felt like I "belonged" to anyone...I always felt "pushed" onto people...not a good feeling.
When I would hear my friends bad mouth their parents, I would tell them to "be glad you have them". It was put in front of me this weekend. I didn't see it coming, and it hit me like a blow to the head. I began to feel inferior. I began to play the tapes of "I am not good enough", look at all the mistakes I have made, I don't deserve all the things i have been blessed with after all the things I have done....old tapes playing over and over.
I found myself in my pity pot asking "why me?" I didn't even tell my husband b/c I felt stupid feeling that way again. He knew there was something wrong, but I hate feeling weak! That is also a personal struggle I will probably battle the rest of my life, and I understand that now.
This is why I say it is so important to surround myself with people that know me...know my struggles, know my heart. This page and my book continues to help me heal b/c I have others I know understand what I am going through.
Be a blessing
~AJM
Eventually you will come to understand that love heals everything, and love is all there is.
-- Gary Zukav
-- Gary Zukav
My words....from your mouth!!!
ReplyDeleteOh.....I have felt thrust back into childhood...reliving with INTENSITY...all the feelings. The weakness....the shame...the sorrow...the shutting down.
Ive been crying non stop.
I thought that I had healed at least some.....but I feel freshly wounded.....
My love to you April......
I hope (and want to believe) we will make it through this as well.....
LOVE
Sumre
We will make it through Sumre...those wounds are deep...
ReplyDelete"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." Eccles. 4
i havent lost my parents to death but for years i felt as though i lost my mom cause she stood by my stepdad till the day he died and even afterwards, wasnt till recently that i finally felt as though i was gaining my mother back, i constintly have times where im shuved back into my past and i know exactly how ur feeling. just remember to take it one day at a time. and you arent alone
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