Skip to main content

Life as I knew it....

Lost. Confused. Hurt. So many emotions that have consumed most of my life, and have become again intensely prevalent in the last year. When I re-read my journals, writings, posts….I see a trend. I see the problems, but nothing changes. I can’t say I have not grown, matured, and learned the patterns, but there are still the same themes. Love. It is elusive, self-serving, and ambiguous to me. I don’t know if that will ever change, and it scares me. It may sound trivial to many, but when it is not afforded to you as a young child, it does affect your ability to grasp the complexity of it, and create healthy relationships.

2016, like 1983, changed the course of my life. 2016 was a year of a 20 year marriage ending. 2016 was a year of losing the last of familial relationships, I thought I might have. 2016 was a year of my 4 beautiful children experiencing excruciating pain and the broken illusion of a happy family. I would be lying if I said I have not felt like I was the worse failure. Like I pulled a trigger and destroyed my family. However, in EVERY relationship, no matter how dysfunctional, it takes two. My issues have just always been out and exposed for the world to see. Now, I am not disparaging my ex-husband, nor will I ever, but I need other women to know, that it is never one-sided when a marriage crumbles, no matter what society or others tell you.

My four greatest gifts in life.....

I am now 43 years old. I spent the majority of my life with one person and his family. This has felt like a death to me. Not because of them, but because of me and my loss and abandonment issues, and honestly, it will never be the same. I feel alone. Just as I did as a child, but, I am no longer a child. These chains that bound me growing up are stronger than one thinks. I know there are people that will argue that, and say I am weak, or playing a victim. Everyone has opinions. Live in my head for a moment, then we will chat. I want to be happy. For once in my life. This misery, hopelessness, and the fear of abandonment….will eventually destroy me. I know this. I can feel it in my body. See it on my face. This is probably too much honesty, but hey, everyone thinks they already know the real me!
One major thing that I has changed in the last 15 or so years, is I no longer feel like I am the only one that has suffered heartbreak and pain. I was so selfish before, I couldn’t see past my nose. Not anymore. We all have pain, vices, struggles, etc that we deal with daily. They just have a different faces to them. Some hide. Some don’t. I will not be able to help anyone if I hide. God kept me here for a reason I don’t always understand, but mostly I see it as a chance to share all my junk. Woohoo for me! Just kidding. It does suck, but what is my life worth, if I don’t use my trials in life to maybe help that ONE person.

“Life is a journey. Sometimes a journey that is more pain than it is joy, but one thing I have to continue to remind myself is that no matter what anyone does to me I control what I do and how I think. No one can take my peace unless I allow them to. It is so hard and painful, more so than not, but I look to the day when I no longer have to fight the self-sabotage and realize I am worth so much more.” April Maley, June 2011

My only advice, which I need to continue to tell myself. Trust in the One who will never desert you. It's so hard b/c we build our lives on the ones right in front of our face....but they fail. We all do. Heads up. Praying that from this moment forward, I continue to grow in His love and grace, and become the Godly woman He has intended me to be....

xxxooo 
april


Comments

  1. susieJanuary 9, 2017 at 7:52 PM

    Crying with you and loving you always. With God, all things are possible. He will turn our mourning into laughter. He is faithful. Eyes, forward and only glance back to smile and learn.

    ReplyDelete
  2. VALJanuary 9, 2017 at 8:08 PM

    Anyone who actually knows you KNOWS you aren't weak or playing the victim! You are strong and courageous! I admire your bravery to share and I love your soul! ❤❤

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A time for everything

A Time for Everything-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (NIV)   1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: As we walk through this life what are we looking for? Acceptance? Completion? Other human beings will always fail us, always hurt us, and always let us down, but there is One who won’t.   2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, We always are congratulating, excited, and in awe when someone gives birth…as the child grows older most lose their fascination with that child and what is cute. Why is that? Those children become jaded because of us. A child has an insurmountable amount of faith when they are young…we end up squeezing it out of them as a society. A time to die. It is so hard to deal with death of a loved one, whether family or friends, it is so hard to say goodbye. As days go on I stop, much more than I ever use to, and look around me. Amazed at what God has created, and saddened by the signs that sat...
Post a Comment
Read more

Moving on...

“ You have to know the past to understand the present.”- Dr. Carl Sagan What am I so afraid of? That emptiness that eats at me…gnaws at my very core everyday…what will make it go away? I still have those moments when I feel like my heart has been ripped out, stomped on, and put through the blender. It takes so much effort sometimes to compartmentalize all the different feelings & emotions that my mind just decides to shut down, and go numb. My faith is the only thing that keeps dragging me back out of the pit. I overanalyze everything. I try not to, but it is a character defect that I have to continue to work on. I had so little control over my past that I hate to release any form of control now, even though I know realistically, I have no say in certain things anyway! I want so badly to make a difference…to know my purpose, but I feel like it constantly evades me. Like a hamster on a wheel. I get so frustrated when I try so hard to be honest & true to all of my shortcomin...
1 comment
Read more

Empty

Will I ever feel normal? Will I always be on the outside looking in? I never feel like I belong, and my gut continues to tell me all I say is wrong. Why couldn’t there have been just one? One that truly loved me so… Will this empty pit ever be gone? As I sit here alone, I know that is where I belong. I don’t understand any other way… What am I supposed to say? I feel the pressure sitting on my chest.. Why can’t I fit in like all the rest? I am hiding the tears because I have to be strong… I cannot be weak because than I truly do feel like a freak. I am trying not to feel sad, but it is so hard when all I feel is bad. Life will continue to move on, but I hope that I figure this out before I am long gone.
2 comments
Read more