Life as I knew it....

Lost. Confused. Hurt. So many emotions that have consumed most of my life, and have become again intensely prevalent in the last year. When I re-read my journals, writings, posts….I see a trend. I see the problems, but nothing changes. I can’t say I have not grown, matured, and learned the patterns, but there are still the same themes. Love. It is elusive, self-serving, and ambiguous to me. I don’t know if that will ever change, and it scares me. It may sound trivial to many, but when it is not afforded to you as a young child, it does affect your ability to grasp the complexity of it, and create healthy relationships.

2016, like 1983, changed the course of my life. 2016 was a year of a 20 year marriage ending. 2016 was a year of losing the last of familial relationships, I thought I might have. 2016 was a year of my 4 beautiful children experiencing excruciating pain and the broken illusion of a happy family. I would be lying if I said I have not felt like I was the worse failure. Like I pulled a trigger and destroyed my family. However, in EVERY relationship, no matter how dysfunctional, it takes two. My issues have just always been out and exposed for the world to see. Now, I am not disparaging my ex-husband, nor will I ever, but I need other women to know, that it is never one-sided when a marriage crumbles, no matter what society or others tell you.

My four greatest gifts in life.....

I am now 43 years old. I spent the majority of my life with one person and his family. This has felt like a death to me. Not because of them, but because of me and my loss and abandonment issues, and honestly, it will never be the same. I feel alone. Just as I did as a child, but, I am no longer a child. These chains that bound me growing up are stronger than one thinks. I know there are people that will argue that, and say I am weak, or playing a victim. Everyone has opinions. Live in my head for a moment, then we will chat. I want to be happy. For once in my life. This misery, hopelessness, and the fear of abandonment….will eventually destroy me. I know this. I can feel it in my body. See it on my face. This is probably too much honesty, but hey, everyone thinks they already know the real me!

One major thing that I has changed in the last 15 or so years, is I no longer feel like I am the only one that has suffered heartbreak and pain. I was so selfish before, I couldn’t see past my nose. Not anymore. We all have pain, vices, struggles, etc that we deal with daily. They just have a different faces to them. Some hide. Some don’t. I will not be able to help anyone if I hide. God kept me here for a reason I don’t always understand, but mostly I see it as a chance to share all my junk. Woohoo for me! Just kidding. It does suck, but what is my life worth, if I don’t use my trials in life to maybe help that ONE person.

“Life is a journey. Sometimes a journey that is more pain than it is joy, but one thing I have to continue to remind myself is that no matter what anyone does to me I control what I do and how I think. No one can take my peace unless I allow them to. It is so hard and painful, more so than not, but I look to the day when I no longer have to fight the self-sabotage and realize I am worth so much more.” April Maley, June 2011

My only advice, which I need to continue to tell myself. Trust in the One who will never desert you. It's so hard b/c we build our lives on the ones right in front of our face....but they fail. We all do. Heads up. Praying that from this moment forward, I continue to grow in His love and grace, and become the Godly woman He has intended me to be....

xxxooo 

april