Some things are better left buried

I know I have moments of my childhood that are complete blanks. I believe in some cases that is my own way of self preservation against memories I cannot handle. I try not to delve too deeply, b/c I am honestly afraid of what I might find.

I ask myself "will it change anything?", no in most cases it won't, so why open myself up to more pain? Everybody learns to cope differently...I get that, but for me the memories I have are more than enough to make me nuts!

Life right now feels like an out of control tornado. These times come around when my life has major decisions on the horizon. So much going on right now in my life, that I feel myself getting sucked in that hole. Questioning everything that I know to be true...why do I do this? Much of it is my personality, but mostly it is my lack of control that makes me crazy.

I can't control someone else's pain or struggles...I can offer what has worked for me. Some one in my life is in the process of opening Pandora's box, and there is NOTHING I can do about it. Will it change the past? No. Will it bring more potential hurt? Absolutely. Just don't know....

till next time...ajm

"As in the physical world, so in the spiritual world, pain does not last forever."
~Katherine Mansfield

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Never let go

Behind each human face is a hidden world that no one can see.  We cannot continue to seek outside ourselves for the things we need from within. The demons will haunt us if we remain afraid. Silence is one of the great victims of modern culture.   -John O'Donohue This quote hit home this morning when I read it. I spent years looking outside of myself to find something or someone to fill those empty spaces that gnawed at me daily. I made life-changing decisions based on just wanting acceptance and love. I continued to chase after something that I would never find outside of myself. Your parents may be the ones that birthed you, but they do NOT define who you become unless you let them. We remain in our hell of silence more so than not b/c the pain & shame are just too great. No one understands, right? We turn everything inward, and it eats away at any bit of happiness & fulfillment we could possibly get out of life. Why? We are taught that asking for help makes you weak...

Father, do you hear their cries...

Will there ever be a day when I can read the news with out wanting to get physically sick for the injustice that continues to go on? It goes from a WA woman broadcasting sex acts with a 2 week old baby, 8yr old little girl, and a 6yr old little boy. What can you even say to that? I cannot even in my darkest days begin to even come close to rationalizing that one. How soon till these kids are given back to her? What does the future look like for them? There are so many sick and twisted people in this world that sometimes it is hard to not be pessimistic. When I posted the other day about the TX man who beheaded three children b/c he thought they were demons, and he was the chosen one…seriously who can possibly come up with this stuff? I do my best to not be a bible thumper on people, but I believe that the bottom dweller roams this earth, and works through people like the ones in these stories. Again, I ask myself, where is family and friends of these lunatics? I will say it over ...

Alot weighing on me. I stay off here. Because honestly, it's toxic. I realized I said I would not stay silent...And, I did, again...And I found this...I said I would never be silent again.... yet... for many years I have.... This was in my drafts----- Learning to let go of what you thought life would be. Life, to some is clearly cut into categorization of black and white …. however , my world has always had shades of gray. It had to be for my survival. I realize now that most do not want, nor do they care to understand that. I ask myself constantly, where did I go wrong? I am not the best, but who is? Was I the worst? I think it is stretching it, but possibly, to those I am. However, I still believe there are bonds that don’t get broken so easily. Right? I survived the most hellacious event of my life, watching my own mother take her last breath...I know I am broken by my past, but can you give a girl a break? I have to respect myself enough to let go. Literally, figurativ...

His Design for my life

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