Skip to main content

Musing...I guess.

When life hits you right in the gut...how do you respond? I have become so angry, disappointed, hurt, that I literally have no relationships now. I literally wake up to work, and work to live nowadays. That is not a life. It's just too much. I tend to push people away...or I think I do. However, every time I look in the mirror, I don't know who is staring back at me. How did I let myself get here. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 All the good things I did and overcame, have come back to run over me again just in different forms and variations. And the kicker...I allowed it. Hurt people, hurt people. Makes me want to sit in a corner and sob quite frankly. 

I have always been a pleaser because of my upbringing...now, I still do the same, but now it just makes me very angry. Again, I am allowing it, but it is so innate in me. It is very lonely. The fact that I am writing again is good, but I also know that my health is not the best. I guess get it out because once you are gone, that moment is gone as well. I don't want sorry or sympathy. It is life. I have accepted my fate. I want to have quality of life. 

It is almost comical with all the social media...check on your friends. Really? Aren't we all so caught up in our own, that we can't see past our nose? Keeping up with the Jones'. The important stuff, right? 

At the end of the day...He is faithful and true. I hold on to that with everything I have. Without it, I have nothing. I just need my every day to reflect that demeanor.  

In Him,

April

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Life as I knew it....

Lost. Confused. Hurt. So many emotions that have consumed most of my life, and have become again intensely prevalent in the last year. When I re-read my journals, writings, posts….I see a trend. I see the problems, but nothing changes. I can’t say I have not grown, matured, and learned the patterns, but there are still the same themes. Love. It is elusive, self-serving, and ambiguous to me. I don’t know if that will ever change, and it scares me. It may sound trivial to many, but when it is not afforded to you as a young child, it does affect your ability to grasp the complexity of it, and create healthy relationships. 2016, like 1983, changed the course of my life. 2016 was a year of a 20 year marriage ending. 2016 was a year of losing the last of familial relationships, I thought I might have. 2016 was a year of my 4 beautiful children experiencing excruciating pain and the broken illusion of a happy family. I would be lying if I said I have not felt like I was the worse failure...
4 comments
Read more

Today. Yesterday. Future.

Today. Yesterday. Future. I have felt the pain. I have seen the destruction. I have witnessed the demoralization. I have watched them flee. The pain of no one there. The debilitating thought of trusting. Yet, I have learned. There is  One who holds my past, present and future. However, I hold it close to my vest, like I think I can control it. Fear is  crippling. I did not do enough. Was I ever enough? So many questions. God. My only true supporter. He wants me. Even when the others do not. Why do I run from Him? This is who I am. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Why can’t anyone see that? I want to quit fighting. I want to give up. Yet, my Father in Heaven keeps pulling me back. Why? Each day is anew. I know this. However, each day I breathe, is one more breath I know soon I will not take. Fear of death used to cripple me. Now...I have learned… No matter what I do, say or become… I have bee...
Post a Comment
Read more

Thoughts on my mind.....right now...

Life is complicated. From the time we come out of the womb, till the day we die.  I have been so focused on the negative things in my life for the past year, that I have missed the blessings….That makes me sad, but, awareness is everything. I am struggling right now with knowing what God is calling me to do at this point in my life, and I feel broken even admitting that. I have believed in Him since childhood, however, I never knew the cost or the commitment it meant to be a follower of Jesus. I can focus on the fact that there are those that don’t know my heart, nor are willing to even try. All they can see is my sin. For that, I am sorry. I am sorry that I hurt you to the point of not being able to extend grace one more time. Once again, however, I can only control me. Others choices are that. Theirs. The loss of my parents & grandparents, fortunately or unfortunately, shaped me. Does that leave me without excuse? Absolutely not. But, it makes living in this...
1 comment
Read more