Skip to main content

Ramblings in April's head...yikes!


Where does misery and disgruntled get you? Miserable and disgruntled. You can never make everyone happy, and you will die trying if you think you can. Point and case, been there done that. I can point out everything in my life that has made me angry, sad, beaten, bruised, negative, and just plain blek! But if I am truly honest I can tell you other things that have made me laugh, made me happy, made me feel blessed beyond measure, and thankful for the days that I breathe.
         I know I have said this time and again, and believe you me when I say I STILL struggle with knowing that holding onto the past gives my tormentors power they so do not deserve. I know I have people who say, well you just don’t understand, but you know what maybe I don’t. I can only share my experience, strength and hope that peace can be found. I refuse to lie down and take it, and not try and make a difference.
         I can sit in my pit, or I can buck up and realize there is ALWAYS someone worse off than me. If I don’t believe that all I need to do is turn on the news for a good ol’ reality check.
         Whether you agree with me or not is not my problem. My problem is finding a solution to ease the pain of the STILL suffering. 
Blessings alone do not open our eyes. Indeed, blessings by themselves tend to close our eyes. We do not come to know Him in the blessing, but in the breaking. --Chip Brogden

Comments

  1. Beautifully written very poignant! thank you for sharing your experiences with us!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Empty

Will I ever feel normal? Will I always be on the outside looking in? I never feel like I belong, and my gut continues to tell me all I say is wrong. Why couldn’t there have been just one? One that truly loved me so… Will this empty pit ever be gone? As I sit here alone, I know that is where I belong. I don’t understand any other way… What am I supposed to say? I feel the pressure sitting on my chest.. Why can’t I fit in like all the rest? I am hiding the tears because I have to be strong… I cannot be weak because than I truly do feel like a freak. I am trying not to feel sad, but it is so hard when all I feel is bad. Life will continue to move on, but I hope that I figure this out before I am long gone.

Life as I knew it....

Lost. Confused. Hurt. So many emotions that have consumed most of my life, and have become again intensely prevalent in the last year. When I re-read my journals, writings, posts….I see a trend. I see the problems, but nothing changes. I can’t say I have not grown, matured, and learned the patterns, but there are still the same themes. Love. It is elusive, self-serving, and ambiguous to me. I don’t know if that will ever change, and it scares me. It may sound trivial to many, but when it is not afforded to you as a young child, it does affect your ability to grasp the complexity of it, and create healthy relationships. 2016, like 1983, changed the course of my life. 2016 was a year of a 20 year marriage ending. 2016 was a year of losing the last of familial relationships, I thought I might have. 2016 was a year of my 4 beautiful children experiencing excruciating pain and the broken illusion of a happy family. I would be lying if I said I have not felt like I was the worse failure...

His grace & mercy

Today was an amazing day. I love my God & King, & the blessings I have daily. Speaking today was an honor & a great remembrance for what would have been my moms 57th birthday. I feel humbled & amazed at what God has done in & through my life. His love & mercy is so amazing. I feel peace I have not felt before. I am His & He is mine. Jeremiah 29:11