Skip to main content

Ramblings in April's head...yikes!


Where does misery and disgruntled get you? Miserable and disgruntled. You can never make everyone happy, and you will die trying if you think you can. Point and case, been there done that. I can point out everything in my life that has made me angry, sad, beaten, bruised, negative, and just plain blek! But if I am truly honest I can tell you other things that have made me laugh, made me happy, made me feel blessed beyond measure, and thankful for the days that I breathe.
         I know I have said this time and again, and believe you me when I say I STILL struggle with knowing that holding onto the past gives my tormentors power they so do not deserve. I know I have people who say, well you just don’t understand, but you know what maybe I don’t. I can only share my experience, strength and hope that peace can be found. I refuse to lie down and take it, and not try and make a difference.
         I can sit in my pit, or I can buck up and realize there is ALWAYS someone worse off than me. If I don’t believe that all I need to do is turn on the news for a good ol’ reality check.
         Whether you agree with me or not is not my problem. My problem is finding a solution to ease the pain of the STILL suffering. 
Blessings alone do not open our eyes. Indeed, blessings by themselves tend to close our eyes. We do not come to know Him in the blessing, but in the breaking. --Chip Brogden

Comments

  1. Beautifully written very poignant! thank you for sharing your experiences with us!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Life as I knew it....

Lost. Confused. Hurt. So many emotions that have consumed most of my life, and have become again intensely prevalent in the last year. When I re-read my journals, writings, posts….I see a trend. I see the problems, but nothing changes. I can’t say I have not grown, matured, and learned the patterns, but there are still the same themes. Love. It is elusive, self-serving, and ambiguous to me. I don’t know if that will ever change, and it scares me. It may sound trivial to many, but when it is not afforded to you as a young child, it does affect your ability to grasp the complexity of it, and create healthy relationships. 2016, like 1983, changed the course of my life. 2016 was a year of a 20 year marriage ending. 2016 was a year of losing the last of familial relationships, I thought I might have. 2016 was a year of my 4 beautiful children experiencing excruciating pain and the broken illusion of a happy family. I would be lying if I said I have not felt like I was the worse failure...

Today. Yesterday. Future.

Today. Yesterday. Future. I have felt the pain. I have seen the destruction. I have witnessed the demoralization. I have watched them flee. The pain of no one there. The debilitating thought of trusting. Yet, I have learned. There is  One who holds my past, present and future. However, I hold it close to my vest, like I think I can control it. Fear is  crippling. I did not do enough. Was I ever enough? So many questions. God. My only true supporter. He wants me. Even when the others do not. Why do I run from Him? This is who I am. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Why can’t anyone see that? I want to quit fighting. I want to give up. Yet, my Father in Heaven keeps pulling me back. Why? Each day is anew. I know this. However, each day I breathe, is one more breath I know soon I will not take. Fear of death used to cripple me. Now...I have learned… No matter what I do, say or become… I have bee...
Alot weighing on me. I stay off here. Because honestly, it's toxic. I realized I said I would not stay silent...And, I did, again...And I found this...I said I would never be silent again.... yet... for many years I have.... This was in my drafts----- Learning to let go of what you thought life would be. Life, to some is clearly cut into categorization of black and white …. however , my world has always had shades of gray. It had to be for my survival. I realize now that most do not want, nor do they care to understand that. I ask myself constantly, where did I go wrong? I am not the best, but who is? Was I the worst? I think it is stretching it, but possibly, to those I am. However, I still believe there are bonds that don’t get broken so easily. Right?  I survived the most hellacious event of my life, watching my own mother take her last breath...I know I am broken by my past, but can you give a girl a break? I have to respect myself enough to let go. Literally, figurativ...