just my continual internal monologue!

A part of who I am, is a part of who you tried to make me

I fought you

I still fight you

Is that so hard to understand?

Many hurts

Not enough happiness

Filled with pain till it was too much

Than depleted like it is not enough

Where do I go from here?

Who do I trust?

You?

Me?

Life is a jigsaw puzzle

Always trying to fit the pieces together

Did we ever think

Maybe for one second

They aren’t supposed to fit?

Comments

Life as I knew it....

Lost. Confused. Hurt. So many emotions that have consumed most of my life, and have become again intensely prevalent in the last year. When I re-read my journals, writings, posts….I see a trend. I see the problems, but nothing changes. I can’t say I have not grown, matured, and learned the patterns, but there are still the same themes. Love. It is elusive, self-serving, and ambiguous to me. I don’t know if that will ever change, and it scares me. It may sound trivial to many, but when it is not afforded to you as a young child, it does affect your ability to grasp the complexity of it, and create healthy relationships. 2016, like 1983, changed the course of my life. 2016 was a year of a 20 year marriage ending. 2016 was a year of losing the last of familial relationships, I thought I might have. 2016 was a year of my 4 beautiful children experiencing excruciating pain and the broken illusion of a happy family. I would be lying if I said I have not felt like I was the worse failure...

Alot weighing on me. I stay off here. Because honestly, it's toxic. I realized I said I would not stay silent...And, I did, again...And I found this...I said I would never be silent again.... yet... for many years I have.... This was in my drafts----- Learning to let go of what you thought life would be. Life, to some is clearly cut into categorization of black and white …. however , my world has always had shades of gray. It had to be for my survival. I realize now that most do not want, nor do they care to understand that. I ask myself constantly, where did I go wrong? I am not the best, but who is? Was I the worst? I think it is stretching it, but possibly, to those I am. However, I still believe there are bonds that don’t get broken so easily. Right? I survived the most hellacious event of my life, watching my own mother take her last breath...I know I am broken by my past, but can you give a girl a break? I have to respect myself enough to let go. Literally, figurativ...

Checking in? or Checking Out?

Who am I? Where do I belong? I don’t know if others that were raised similar to my upbringing can understand (hope they do), I am struggling badly. I promised I would be honest and transparent, and here it is boys and girls. I have no job. I want my book to do well, but not for me, my goal was for what I can give back…so where does that leave me? Floating in the sea of unknown. The only thing (besides my kids and hubby) that I get up for now is this fan site. It is amazing how alone you can feel in a world of thousands around you…why is that? I am truly trying to figure out where God wants me right now, but guess what? I am holding the reins, and won’t let go! Old habits die-hard. With me in charge will only cause heartache. It is in these moments when you want to turn to a friend, a parent, anyone…but honestly the only one that is going to hold the answers is God. I know this, but I fight it tooth and nail! So frustrating. When I say this site kee...

His Design for my life

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