Moving on...

“You have to know the past to understand the present.”- Dr. Carl Sagan

What am I so afraid of? That emptiness that eats at me…gnaws at my very core everyday…what will make it go away?

I still have those moments when I feel like my heart has been ripped out, stomped on, and put through the blender. It takes so much effort sometimes to compartmentalize all the different feelings & emotions that my mind just decides to shut down, and go numb.

My faith is the only thing that keeps dragging me back out of the pit. I overanalyze everything. I try not to, but it is a character defect that I have to continue to work on. I had so little control over my past that I hate to release any form of control now, even though I know realistically, I have no say in certain things anyway! I want so badly to make a difference…to know my purpose, but I feel like it constantly evades me. Like a hamster on a wheel.

I get so frustrated when I try so hard to be honest & true to all of my shortcomings, but others still choose to live behind that façade. I know we are all different, and I can’t change anyone but myself…but doesn’t it get tiring trying to be someone else? Hiding in the dark with all your secrets? I do not by any means to broadcast it to anyone and everyone that will listen, but when put in those situations that you take that moment & use it for good?

I will never fully understand what all led up to my parents demise, but I do know that it has taught me to try and not take life for granted…you may not have tomorrow to say your sorry or I love you.  I also understand now how much it tore my heart out realizing how little my life meant to others when I was younger on into adulthood. I know that I won’t let that happen to anyone I know that is in need.

I understand more than people sometimes give me credit for. I don’t resent or hate people from my childhood. Does it make me sad? Absolutely. I know how hard it is to get past fears that smother you, but sometimes you just have to do what is right even when it doesn’t feel so right.

I have to live everyday knowing that my past forever changed me. Does it define me? No, but it does impact me daily. There are still days where I feel so defective as a person. That is honesty.

Days like today, I have to stop and refocus on how I got to this feeling again. I have to take it and lay it at the foot of the cross, and leave it there. I will probably have to do it again and again, but hopefully it will get easier with time.

If I choose misery, misery it will be. If I choose to make an effort to change my attitude, even if only for today, that is all my choice make solely. I will deal with tomorrow when tomorrow gets here!