His Design for my life

The pain never really goes away….I know I need to start writing again, but I tend to get caught up in just trying to live. If we can call it that. I buried my mother over 40 years ago…there is a hole inside of me that nothing has been able to fill. I didn’t just bury her, but part of me that day. She was so young. It is so depressing to me how we as a society just live so flippantly like tomorrow is promised. Do I feel cheated? 100%. Have I been the best mother? Probably not, but I can say with everything I still have left in me…I tried.  As a person, life happens. Stuff happens. It shapes us, and we look back years later, and say what the heck was I thinking?? But, at that moment we only see what's in front of our face…not tomorrow. Once they are gone. It is done. There is no do over. What was her favorite food? What made her happy? Those questions will never be answered.  Holding on to stuff that has happened is like a toxic poison. It is not hurting the ones gone or that di...

When life hits you right in the gut...how do you respond? I have become so angry, disappointed, hurt, that I literally have no relationships now. I literally wake up to work, and work to live nowadays. That is not a life. It's just too much. I tend to push people away...or I think I do. However, every time I look in the mirror, I don't know who is staring back at me. How did I let myself get here. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.  All the good things I did and overcame, have come back to run over me again just in different forms and variations. And the kicker...I allowed it. Hurt people, hurt people. Makes me want to sit in a corner and sob quite frankly.  I have always been a pleaser because of my upbringing...now, I still do the same, but now it just makes me very angry. Again, I am allowing it, but it is so innate in me. It is very lonely. The fact that I am writing again is good, but I also know that my health is not the best. I guess get it out because once you are gon...

Alot weighing on me. I stay off here. Because honestly, it's toxic. I realized I said I would not stay silent...And, I did, again...And I found this...I said I would never be silent again.... yet... for many years I have.... This was in my drafts----- Learning to let go of what you thought life would be. Life, to some is clearly cut into categorization of black and white …. however , my world has always had shades of gray. It had to be for my survival. I realize now that most do not want, nor do they care to understand that. I ask myself constantly, where did I go wrong? I am not the best, but who is? Was I the worst? I think it is stretching it, but possibly, to those I am. However, I still believe there are bonds that don’t get broken so easily. Right?  I survived the most hellacious event of my life, watching my own mother take her last breath...I know I am broken by my past, but can you give a girl a break? I have to respect myself enough to let go. Literally, figurativ...

My heart is hurting. This earthly realm lost a courageous and loving husband, father, grandfather, friend, and confidant. The last couple years life has changed so dramatically. One thing that never changed, towards me, was the love of Jim Maley. Even after his accident years ago, when he couldn’t express himself the way he wanted to, all of this that were around him, knew through his eyes and actions, the heart of who he was.  In the 20 plus years he was in my life, he was nothing but good to me. He loved me even at my worst. He saw something in me, I could not see. He treated me like a daughter, and that did not change when life changed. I was very blessed to get to say goodbye...a luxury many of us don’t get.  My heart breaks for Sue...lovely and faithful servant always. My heart also hurts for the multitude of people he has left behind...his kids, family, grand-kids , friends...he touched so many.  I will miss his smooches every time I saw him...that ...

I rarely get the itch for writing anymore ...sad, because that has always  been my one and true outlet. However, when I feel it strongly enough, and after not sleeping for days because I have huge changes coming in my life, yes yet again. I feel compelled to let things out that have been broiling, and I know I can be way too opinionated.  Probably shouldn't have gotten back on social media. Amazing how easily we can be wiped out of their lives. I should be used to it by now? People always tend to give up when it’s easier. I continually ask the question, “Did I try hard enough?” “ Same question I asked as a child. Did they?”  Eternal question. #LordsPrayer So sappy today... sorry! Life for me is always turning upside down. I want to blame myself, because that is my natural reaction... I am a very HARD person to love, of this I am aware of, however, when does it become someone else & not about me to let it go, or try to at least to try and understand it? Oh wai...

We are in a day and age where a badge can be a good thing or it can be a bad thing and could ultimately change our lives for the worse....or it could be for the better... it's a toss up, but that's everyday life.... Right? We have to understand we are ALL humans, with or without a badge. You choose to do what is right, or you choose to do what is wrong.... This man wore his badge with integrity, and he also chose to treat each person as a human being. Yes, these men are hard to find, but they are there. This is one of them....I want to honor his faithful service, valor, and humanism. Meet Gordon Finger, a veteran of the US Navy who served OUR country during the Cuban blockade, and is/was a retired Chief Deputy Sheriff for Van Wert County.   The legacy of heroes is the memory of a great name and the inheritance of a great example.--Benjamin Disraeli Although, I physically can not be there today, due to starting a new job, and this job I know Gordy would be thrille...

What impact am I making? #Alice&George Seeing the pain and loss of someone you have loved for over 6 decades...The fear of what to do next, the pain of how do you move through the next day...I have seen the pain of loss, but the pain I saw tonight….surpasses my understanding. I think we have an amazing God. He did amazing things for me through an amazing couple. My heart mourns for the loss of this beloved mother, grandmother, wife, sister, friend….I will never forget the many nights you would look at me, and tell me I was a child of God. I was loved….I barely knew you. The impact this entire family had on me will always be in my heart. God placed them in my life at the exact time I needed them...Alice, you are beyond loved and will be sorely missed. Thank you for sharing your life and family with me. You have left an amazing impact on those around you that will not be soon forgotten… I hope someday those around me look at me, like your kids look at you...I love you, a...

Today. Yesterday. Future. I have felt the pain. I have seen the destruction. I have witnessed the demoralization. I have watched them flee. The pain of no one there. The debilitating thought of trusting. Yet, I have learned. There is  One who holds my past, present and future. However, I hold it close to my vest, like I think I can control it. Fear is  crippling. I did not do enough. Was I ever enough? So many questions. God. My only true supporter. He wants me. Even when the others do not. Why do I run from Him? This is who I am. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Why can’t anyone see that? I want to quit fighting. I want to give up. Yet, my Father in Heaven keeps pulling me back. Why? Each day is anew. I know this. However, each day I breathe, is one more breath I know soon I will not take. Fear of death used to cripple me. Now...I have learned… No matter what I do, say or become… I have bee...

Vows. What do they really mean? According to Google search, “ a solemn promise or undertaking. ”  Interesting concept. I have to say, that after weeks of contemplating this definition, I think in this day and age, it is too easy to break said promise and or covenant. It is taken far too lightly. Sickness and in health? Really? Those heart-warming stories of the ones that make it decades, are far and few between, and I would almost guarantee they weathered the situations most divorce for. Biblically, most people will try to use biblical teaching as a rationalization, because they feel they are vindicated or justified from any wrong doing. That is a lie.  I believe in my Holy Father, and His Word, but when I hear others twist it to meet their agenda, I get angry. My life has been one huge soap opera/Greek tragedy. I am so over it. If there is one and ONLY, one thing I have learned, is God does not change . People do. Parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, extended fami...

that feeling...when I sit back, reflect, and realize nothing I have done has really made a difference. Albeit, maybe a few realizations. But to the ones that mean the most, they don't even see me. They don't even care. As I continue to work on my follow up sequel of my first book, I see, once again, blood does not matter. Personal gain, and what "you can do for me" wins. I am sorry to all of you that have bought into that lie. . I have. Sadly believed, over and over, for one second, that I have people who care, and in another second, it gets ripped out from under me. I blame me. However, when does it become not about me? Can no one see the real me? I have fought for over 34 years +. Ya'll win. I tried so hard And got so far But in the end It doesn't even matter I had to fall To lose it all But in the end It doesn't even matter Linkin Park, In the End

Life is complicated. From the time we come out of the womb, till the day we die.  I have been so focused on the negative things in my life for the past year, that I have missed the blessings….That makes me sad, but, awareness is everything. I am struggling right now with knowing what God is calling me to do at this point in my life, and I feel broken even admitting that. I have believed in Him since childhood, however, I never knew the cost or the commitment it meant to be a follower of Jesus. I can focus on the fact that there are those that don’t know my heart, nor are willing to even try. All they can see is my sin. For that, I am sorry. I am sorry that I hurt you to the point of not being able to extend grace one more time. Once again, however, I can only control me. Others choices are that. Theirs. The loss of my parents & grandparents, fortunately or unfortunately, shaped me. Does that leave me without excuse? Absolutely not. But, it makes living in this...