Vows. What do they really mean? According to Google search, “a solemn promise or undertaking.”
Interesting concept.
I have to say,
that after weeks of contemplating this definition, I think in this day and age,
it is too easy to break said promise and or covenant. It is taken far too
lightly. Sickness and in health? Really? Those heart-warming stories of the
ones that make it decades, are far and few between, and I would almost guarantee
they weathered the situations most divorce for.
Biblically, most
people will try to use biblical teaching as a rationalization, because they
feel they are vindicated or justified from any wrong doing. That is a lie.
I
believe in my Holy Father, and His Word, but when I hear others twist it to
meet their agenda, I get angry.
My life has been
one huge soap opera/Greek tragedy. I am so over it. If there is one and ONLY,
one thing I have learned, is God does
not change. People do. Parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, extended family, “once”
called family and even your own kids…I have beat myself down for years, unfortunately,
giving others actions to validate those feelings because I have had no
self-worth. Worthless. Unloveable. Key
words, made me feel. I have allowed this.
I have lost so
many “families” in the last 30 plus years, I can’t even count anymore. I have
realized how cynical I have become because the pattern never sways. It may look
a little different, but it’s all the same. I am an outsider, and always will
be. Please don’t try and give me words in hopes to make me feel better, all it
does, (excuse my French) is piss me off. I am tired of cajoling words
that, yes good intentions, is all that is, good intentions. Yes, I am a porcupine. I am very sharp and
rough around the edges….that’s me. Trust is a very hard and rare commodity I allow
myself to divvy out.
Me and my
Grandma Baer had a tumultuous relationship, but the ONE thing I never doubted;
she would always have my back. We fought like cats and dogs, but if I showed up
at her door, she would never turn me away. I miss her. I miss the candor and
the real straight shooter. She didn’t mix words. I guess, post humus, thank you
Grandma. I miss having that one person that would never let me go….
So, you may ask,
why this rant? It’s been simmering, but today, it toppled over. Speaking for
ONLY myself, people will say and do what they can to keep you feeling all warm
and fuzzy, but at the end of the day, when you feel that empty gaping hole….they
are busy with THEIR family or lives. That’s my reality.
This isn’t a
pity party. This is my way of getting all the junk out, so that it does not
destroy me. I have had many, too many failures, in my life, but I also have had
successes. I am a pleaser by nature, thank you dad, because I don’t like to disappoint.
However, the older I get, the less I feel bad for who I am. This is me. Like
someone I thought I knew for over 20
years, “April, you will die alone in your own misery.” YOU, sir, do not dictate
my life. Scars are there, but they don’t define where I go.
All that being
said. Be true to who you are.
Psalm
139: 13- 16
For
you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14I praise you because I am fearfully
and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
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