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Vows....good intentions or a joke?

Vows. What do they really mean? According to Google search, “a solemn promise or undertaking.”  Interesting concept.

I have to say, that after weeks of contemplating this definition, I think in this day and age, it is too easy to break said promise and or covenant. It is taken far too lightly. Sickness and in health? Really? Those heart-warming stories of the ones that make it decades, are far and few between, and I would almost guarantee they weathered the situations most divorce for.

Biblically, most people will try to use biblical teaching as a rationalization, because they feel they are vindicated or justified from any wrong doing. That is a lie. 
I believe in my Holy Father, and His Word, but when I hear others twist it to meet their agenda, I get angry.

My life has been one huge soap opera/Greek tragedy. I am so over it. If there is one and ONLY, one thing I have learned, is God does not change. People do. Parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, extended family, “once” called family and even your own kids…I have beat myself down for years, unfortunately, giving others actions to validate those feelings because I have had no self-worth. Worthless. Unloveable. Key words, made me feel. I have allowed this.

I have lost so many “families” in the last 30 plus years, I can’t even count anymore. I have realized how cynical I have become because the pattern never sways. It may look a little different, but it’s all the same. I am an outsider, and always will be. Please don’t try and give me words in hopes to make me feel better, all it does, (excuse my French) is piss me off. I am tired of cajoling words that, yes good intentions, is all that is, good intentions.  Yes, I am a porcupine. I am very sharp and rough around the edges….that’s me. Trust is a very hard and rare commodity I allow myself to divvy out.

Me and my Grandma Baer had a tumultuous relationship, but the ONE thing I never doubted; she would always have my back. We fought like cats and dogs, but if I showed up at her door, she would never turn me away. I miss her. I miss the candor and the real straight shooter. She didn’t mix words. I guess, post humus, thank you Grandma. I miss having that one person that would never let me go….

So, you may ask, why this rant? It’s been simmering, but today, it toppled over. Speaking for ONLY myself, people will say and do what they can to keep you feeling all warm and fuzzy, but at the end of the day, when you feel that empty gaping hole….they are busy with THEIR family or lives. That’s my reality.

This isn’t a pity party. This is my way of getting all the junk out, so that it does not destroy me. I have had many, too many failures, in my life, but I also have had successes. I am a pleaser by nature, thank you dad, because I don’t like to disappoint. However, the older I get, the less I feel bad for who I am. This is me. Like someone I thought I knew for over 20 years, “April, you will die alone in your own misery.” YOU, sir, do not dictate my life. Scars are there, but they don’t define where I go.

All that being said. Be true to who you are.

Psalm 139: 13- 16

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.


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