Today. Yesterday. Future.

I have felt the pain.

I have seen the destruction.

I have witnessed the demoralization.

I have watched them flee.

The pain of no one there.

The debilitating thought of trusting.

Yet, I have learned.

There is One who holds my past, present and future.

However, I hold it close to my vest, like I think I can control it.

Fear is crippling.

I did not do enough.

Was I ever enough?

So many questions.

God.

My only true supporter.

He wants me.

Even when the others do not.

Why do I run from Him?

This is who I am.

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Why can’t anyone see that?

I want to quit fighting.

I want to give up.

Yet, my Father in Heaven keeps pulling me back.

Why?

Each day is anew.

I know this.

However, each day I breathe, is one more breath

I know soon I will not take.

Fear of death used to cripple me.

Now...I have learned…

No matter what I do, say or become…

I have been judged.

The pain will subside….maybe. I am only human. But...

My destiny only depends on the One that controls it.

And I pray I will be in the kingdom of no

more tears or pain.

Till then….head down, pray, and hope.

Love, Hope and Blessings…

In Him Alone-

April

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A time for everything

A Time for Everything-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (NIV) 1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: As we walk through this life what are we looking for? Acceptance? Completion? Other human beings will always fail us, always hurt us, and always let us down, but there is One who won’t. 2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, We always are congratulating, excited, and in awe when someone gives birth…as the child grows older most lose their fascination with that child and what is cute. Why is that? Those children become jaded because of us. A child has an insurmountable amount of faith when they are young…we end up squeezing it out of them as a society. A time to die. It is so hard to deal with death of a loved one, whether family or friends, it is so hard to say goodbye. As days go on I stop, much more than I ever use to, and look around me. Amazed at what God has created, and saddened by the signs that sat...

Life as I knew it....

Lost. Confused. Hurt. So many emotions that have consumed most of my life, and have become again intensely prevalent in the last year. When I re-read my journals, writings, posts….I see a trend. I see the problems, but nothing changes. I can’t say I have not grown, matured, and learned the patterns, but there are still the same themes. Love. It is elusive, self-serving, and ambiguous to me. I don’t know if that will ever change, and it scares me. It may sound trivial to many, but when it is not afforded to you as a young child, it does affect your ability to grasp the complexity of it, and create healthy relationships. 2016, like 1983, changed the course of my life. 2016 was a year of a 20 year marriage ending. 2016 was a year of losing the last of familial relationships, I thought I might have. 2016 was a year of my 4 beautiful children experiencing excruciating pain and the broken illusion of a happy family. I would be lying if I said I have not felt like I was the worse failure...

Moving on...

“ You have to know the past to understand the present.”- Dr. Carl Sagan What am I so afraid of? That emptiness that eats at me…gnaws at my very core everyday…what will make it go away? I still have those moments when I feel like my heart has been ripped out, stomped on, and put through the blender. It takes so much effort sometimes to compartmentalize all the different feelings & emotions that my mind just decides to shut down, and go numb. My faith is the only thing that keeps dragging me back out of the pit. I overanalyze everything. I try not to, but it is a character defect that I have to continue to work on. I had so little control over my past that I hate to release any form of control now, even though I know realistically, I have no say in certain things anyway! I want so badly to make a difference…to know my purpose, but I feel like it constantly evades me. Like a hamster on a wheel. I get so frustrated when I try so hard to be honest & true to all of my shortcomin...

His Design for my life

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