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Thoughts on my mind.....right now...

Life is complicated. From the time we come out of the womb, till the day we die. 

I have been so focused on the negative things in my life for the past year, that I have missed the blessings….That makes me sad, but, awareness is everything.

I am struggling right now with knowing what God is calling me to do at this point in my life, and I feel broken even admitting that. I have believed in Him since childhood, however, I never knew the cost or the commitment it meant to be a follower of Jesus.

I can focus on the fact that there are those that don’t know my heart, nor are willing to even try. All they can see is my sin. For that, I am sorry. I am sorry that I hurt you to the point of not being able to extend grace one more time. Once again, however, I can only control me. Others choices are that. Theirs.

The loss of my parents & grandparents, fortunately or unfortunately, shaped me. Does that leave me without excuse? Absolutely not. But, it makes living in this world hard. People judge people without even really getting to know them or their story. Is that fair? Emphatically, NO.  The saying “don’t throw stones at a glass house” comes to mind. There have been stories, rumors, about my life and my parents. I wouldn’t accept what I was told, until I did my own research. That was the beginning of where forgiveness and understanding came in.

Did I want to forgive? NO. Do I still struggle with it? YES. I felt/feel it is my obligation to hold that grudge. I had been dealt an injustice. No one deserved that. However, me older now, I think, how many kids, adults are suffering in far more pain, and would love to have a person like me on their side, yes. I said ME. I have made a multitude of mistakes, but, God knows my heart. My intention. Screwed up as it may be. I care. I try to do my best, and for most of those around me, it may never be good enough. For that, I am sorry. Sorry, that you lose out on a loving, committed, loyal, servant of God, however, very broken and sinful, but learning and journeying just the same.

I begged. Yearned, for love and acceptance growing up. (thus many of the mistakes I made) I realize now I was yearning for the wrong thing. My focus should have been on the One that had always been there, and had never forsaken me….but it is/was easier to view life in a worldly manner, not realizing, this life is but a blip on this radar we call our world. 

John 8:6-9New International Version (NIV)

6 They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basisfor accusing him.
But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
9 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there.

Comments

  1. UnknownJuly 7, 2017 at 2:19 AM

    I have always loved that story in the bible! Maybe because I too was judged and labeled and desperately wanted forgiveness and the chance to change and be something other than a label that fit in a category. I was moved by what you shared and, like you, took too long to figure out that the only one I needed to live for was my redeemer who "...restores my soul!" ~ Jennifer Forwerck

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