Continuing thoughts....

that feeling...when I sit back, reflect, and realize nothing I have done has really made a difference. Albeit, maybe a few realizations. But to the ones that mean the most, they don't even see me. They don't even care. As I continue to work on my follow up sequel of my first book, I see, once again, blood does not matter. Personal gain, and what "you can do for me" wins. I am sorry to all of you that have bought into that lie. .

I have. Sadly believed, over and over, for one second, that I have people who care, and in another second, it gets ripped out from under me. I blame me. However, when does it become not about me? Can no one see the real me?

I have fought for over 34 years +. Ya'll win.

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

Linkin Park, In the End

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Life as I knew it....

Lost. Confused. Hurt. So many emotions that have consumed most of my life, and have become again intensely prevalent in the last year. When I re-read my journals, writings, posts….I see a trend. I see the problems, but nothing changes. I can’t say I have not grown, matured, and learned the patterns, but there are still the same themes. Love. It is elusive, self-serving, and ambiguous to me. I don’t know if that will ever change, and it scares me. It may sound trivial to many, but when it is not afforded to you as a young child, it does affect your ability to grasp the complexity of it, and create healthy relationships. 2016, like 1983, changed the course of my life. 2016 was a year of a 20 year marriage ending. 2016 was a year of losing the last of familial relationships, I thought I might have. 2016 was a year of my 4 beautiful children experiencing excruciating pain and the broken illusion of a happy family. I would be lying if I said I have not felt like I was the worse failure...

Change

  "Take the first step, no more, no less, and the next will be revealed."   -- Ken Roberts  Why is this so hard for me to follow? Do you ever feel like you are brimming over with great words, but it really isn’t changing anything you are doing? As the saying goes “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”. I hate change. Always have, and probably always will b/c it scares me. That is another defect I have to work on, b/c allowing anything, such as fear, to have that power is unacceptable. I hear it all the time when change is inevitable…you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Why is that? For me I believe the truth lies in my own comfort & pride. Everything happens for a reason…I know that for a fact based on my life. Living by faith and not by sight is difficult. We are a society of instant gratification & instant answers thanks to the internet. (I swear I am a google addict) But honestly, this has reinforced us further into believing we have control of ...

Alot weighing on me. I stay off here. Because honestly, it's toxic. I realized I said I would not stay silent...And, I did, again...And I found this...I said I would never be silent again.... yet... for many years I have.... This was in my drafts----- Learning to let go of what you thought life would be. Life, to some is clearly cut into categorization of black and white …. however , my world has always had shades of gray. It had to be for my survival. I realize now that most do not want, nor do they care to understand that. I ask myself constantly, where did I go wrong? I am not the best, but who is? Was I the worst? I think it is stretching it, but possibly, to those I am. However, I still believe there are bonds that don’t get broken so easily. Right? I survived the most hellacious event of my life, watching my own mother take her last breath...I know I am broken by my past, but can you give a girl a break? I have to respect myself enough to let go. Literally, figurativ...

His Design for my life

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