Continuing thoughts....

that feeling...when I sit back, reflect, and realize nothing I have done has really made a difference. Albeit, maybe a few realizations. But to the ones that mean the most, they don't even see me. They don't even care. As I continue to work on my follow up sequel of my first book, I see, once again, blood does not matter. Personal gain, and what "you can do for me" wins. I am sorry to all of you that have bought into that lie. .

I have. Sadly believed, over and over, for one second, that I have people who care, and in another second, it gets ripped out from under me. I blame me. However, when does it become not about me? Can no one see the real me?

I have fought for over 34 years +. Ya'll win.

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

Linkin Park, In the End

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Life as I knew it....

Lost. Confused. Hurt. So many emotions that have consumed most of my life, and have become again intensely prevalent in the last year. When I re-read my journals, writings, posts….I see a trend. I see the problems, but nothing changes. I can’t say I have not grown, matured, and learned the patterns, but there are still the same themes. Love. It is elusive, self-serving, and ambiguous to me. I don’t know if that will ever change, and it scares me. It may sound trivial to many, but when it is not afforded to you as a young child, it does affect your ability to grasp the complexity of it, and create healthy relationships. 2016, like 1983, changed the course of my life. 2016 was a year of a 20 year marriage ending. 2016 was a year of losing the last of familial relationships, I thought I might have. 2016 was a year of my 4 beautiful children experiencing excruciating pain and the broken illusion of a happy family. I would be lying if I said I have not felt like I was the worse failure...

Today. Yesterday. Future.

Today. Yesterday. Future. I have felt the pain. I have seen the destruction. I have witnessed the demoralization. I have watched them flee. The pain of no one there. The debilitating thought of trusting. Yet, I have learned. There is One who holds my past, present and future. However, I hold it close to my vest, like I think I can control it. Fear is crippling. I did not do enough. Was I ever enough? So many questions. God. My only true supporter. He wants me. Even when the others do not. Why do I run from Him? This is who I am. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Why can’t anyone see that? I want to quit fighting. I want to give up. Yet, my Father in Heaven keeps pulling me back. Why? Each day is anew. I know this. However, each day I breathe, is one more breath I know soon I will not take. Fear of death used to cripple me. Now...I have learned… No matter what I do, say or become… I have bee...

What impact am I making? #Alice&George Seeing the pain and loss of someone you have loved for over 6 decades...The fear of what to do next, the pain of how do you move through the next day...I have seen the pain of loss, but the pain I saw tonight….surpasses my understanding. I think we have an amazing God. He did amazing things for me through an amazing couple. My heart mourns for the loss of this beloved mother, grandmother, wife, sister, friend….I will never forget the many nights you would look at me, and tell me I was a child of God. I was loved….I barely knew you. The impact this entire family had on me will always be in my heart. God placed them in my life at the exact time I needed them...Alice, you are beyond loved and will be sorely missed. Thank you for sharing your life and family with me. You have left an amazing impact on those around you that will not be soon forgotten… I hope someday those around me look at me, like your kids look at you...I love you, a...

His Design for my life

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