Continuing thoughts....

that feeling...when I sit back, reflect, and realize nothing I have done has really made a difference. Albeit, maybe a few realizations. But to the ones that mean the most, they don't even see me. They don't even care. As I continue to work on my follow up sequel of my first book, I see, once again, blood does not matter. Personal gain, and what "you can do for me" wins. I am sorry to all of you that have bought into that lie. .

I have. Sadly believed, over and over, for one second, that I have people who care, and in another second, it gets ripped out from under me. I blame me. However, when does it become not about me? Can no one see the real me?

I have fought for over 34 years +. Ya'll win.

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

Linkin Park, In the End

Comments

Life as I knew it....

Lost. Confused. Hurt. So many emotions that have consumed most of my life, and have become again intensely prevalent in the last year. When I re-read my journals, writings, posts….I see a trend. I see the problems, but nothing changes. I can’t say I have not grown, matured, and learned the patterns, but there are still the same themes. Love. It is elusive, self-serving, and ambiguous to me. I don’t know if that will ever change, and it scares me. It may sound trivial to many, but when it is not afforded to you as a young child, it does affect your ability to grasp the complexity of it, and create healthy relationships. 2016, like 1983, changed the course of my life. 2016 was a year of a 20 year marriage ending. 2016 was a year of losing the last of familial relationships, I thought I might have. 2016 was a year of my 4 beautiful children experiencing excruciating pain and the broken illusion of a happy family. I would be lying if I said I have not felt like I was the worse failure...

Alot weighing on me. I stay off here. Because honestly, it's toxic. I realized I said I would not stay silent...And, I did, again...And I found this...I said I would never be silent again.... yet... for many years I have.... This was in my drafts----- Learning to let go of what you thought life would be. Life, to some is clearly cut into categorization of black and white …. however , my world has always had shades of gray. It had to be for my survival. I realize now that most do not want, nor do they care to understand that. I ask myself constantly, where did I go wrong? I am not the best, but who is? Was I the worst? I think it is stretching it, but possibly, to those I am. However, I still believe there are bonds that don’t get broken so easily. Right? I survived the most hellacious event of my life, watching my own mother take her last breath...I know I am broken by my past, but can you give a girl a break? I have to respect myself enough to let go. Literally, figurativ...

Checking in? or Checking Out?

Who am I? Where do I belong? I don’t know if others that were raised similar to my upbringing can understand (hope they do), I am struggling badly. I promised I would be honest and transparent, and here it is boys and girls. I have no job. I want my book to do well, but not for me, my goal was for what I can give back…so where does that leave me? Floating in the sea of unknown. The only thing (besides my kids and hubby) that I get up for now is this fan site. It is amazing how alone you can feel in a world of thousands around you…why is that? I am truly trying to figure out where God wants me right now, but guess what? I am holding the reins, and won’t let go! Old habits die-hard. With me in charge will only cause heartache. It is in these moments when you want to turn to a friend, a parent, anyone…but honestly the only one that is going to hold the answers is God. I know this, but I fight it tooth and nail! So frustrating. When I say this site kee...

His Design for my life

Search This Blog