His Design for my life

Today. Yesterday. Future. I have felt the pain. I have seen the destruction. I have witnessed the demoralization. I have watched them flee. The pain of no one there. The debilitating thought of trusting. Yet, I have learned. There is  One who holds my past, present and future. However, I hold it close to my vest, like I think I can control it. Fear is  crippling. I did not do enough. Was I ever enough? So many questions. God. My only true supporter. He wants me. Even when the others do not. Why do I run from Him? This is who I am. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Why can’t anyone see that? I want to quit fighting. I want to give up. Yet, my Father in Heaven keeps pulling me back. Why? Each day is anew. I know this. However, each day I breathe, is one more breath I know soon I will not take. Fear of death used to cripple me. Now...I have learned… No matter what I do, say or become… I have bee...

Vows. What do they really mean? According to Google search, “ a solemn promise or undertaking. ”  Interesting concept. I have to say, that after weeks of contemplating this definition, I think in this day and age, it is too easy to break said promise and or covenant. It is taken far too lightly. Sickness and in health? Really? Those heart-warming stories of the ones that make it decades, are far and few between, and I would almost guarantee they weathered the situations most divorce for. Biblically, most people will try to use biblical teaching as a rationalization, because they feel they are vindicated or justified from any wrong doing. That is a lie.  I believe in my Holy Father, and His Word, but when I hear others twist it to meet their agenda, I get angry. My life has been one huge soap opera/Greek tragedy. I am so over it. If there is one and ONLY, one thing I have learned, is God does not change . People do. Parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, extended fami...

that feeling...when I sit back, reflect, and realize nothing I have done has really made a difference. Albeit, maybe a few realizations. But to the ones that mean the most, they don't even see me. They don't even care. As I continue to work on my follow up sequel of my first book, I see, once again, blood does not matter. Personal gain, and what "you can do for me" wins. I am sorry to all of you that have bought into that lie. . I have. Sadly believed, over and over, for one second, that I have people who care, and in another second, it gets ripped out from under me. I blame me. However, when does it become not about me? Can no one see the real me? I have fought for over 34 years +. Ya'll win. I tried so hard And got so far But in the end It doesn't even matter I had to fall To lose it all But in the end It doesn't even matter Linkin Park, In the End

Life is complicated. From the time we come out of the womb, till the day we die.  I have been so focused on the negative things in my life for the past year, that I have missed the blessings….That makes me sad, but, awareness is everything. I am struggling right now with knowing what God is calling me to do at this point in my life, and I feel broken even admitting that. I have believed in Him since childhood, however, I never knew the cost or the commitment it meant to be a follower of Jesus. I can focus on the fact that there are those that don’t know my heart, nor are willing to even try. All they can see is my sin. For that, I am sorry. I am sorry that I hurt you to the point of not being able to extend grace one more time. Once again, however, I can only control me. Others choices are that. Theirs. The loss of my parents & grandparents, fortunately or unfortunately, shaped me. Does that leave me without excuse? Absolutely not. But, it makes living in this...

Preface: Yes, it’s late. However, I have no job to go to tomorrow. So, lots of time to think, and ultimately I tend specialize in ticking people off when I speak my mind. The things and thoughts others hide. I am sorry that you hide in your cowardice. As another year passes….what have I gained or lost in the last 34 years? Well, in this last year, I lost a 20 year marriage and continue to endure broken relationships with some of my children. I ask the Lord constantly, “What did I do?” “I know I wasn’t an ideal wife or person, but, will someone ever love me and understand me completely for who I am?” Ultimately, I am an adult. Scarred, marred, and damaged….I don’t know if I will ever be any one’s “normal”. And yet, there are those that say, you’re just feeling sorry for yourself. They see my tears as pathetic. Weak.   I have spent the majority of my 43 years focused on my pride and independence .  Now that I am out of multiple toxic relationships, I realize how easil...

Pain as defined by Merriam Webster: a mental or emotional suffering :   sadness caused by some emotional or mental problem . “Life is painful and messed up. It gets complicated at the worst of times, and sometimes you have no idea where to go or what to do. Lots of times people just let themselves get lost, dropping into a wide open, huge abyss. But that's why we have to keep trying. We have to push through all that hurts us, work past all our memories that are haunting us. Sometimes the things that hurt us are the things that make us strongest. A life without experience, in my opinion, is no life at all. And that's why I tell everyone that, even when it hurts, never stop yourself from living.” ―   Alysha Speer Pain is an ultimate part of life. There is no getting around it, no matter how rich, poor, prominent, happy, one person is; pain is inevitable. However, it is what we do with the pain that can determine where we go and react. I can’t say I am a specialist, but ...

Lost. Confused. Hurt. So many emotions that have consumed most of my life, and have become again intensely prevalent in the last year. When I re-read my journals, writings, posts….I see a trend. I see the problems, but nothing changes. I can’t say I have not grown, matured, and learned the patterns, but there are still the same themes. Love. It is elusive, self-serving, and ambiguous to me. I don’t know if that will ever change, and it scares me. It may sound trivial to many, but when it is not afforded to you as a young child, it does affect your ability to grasp the complexity of it, and create healthy relationships. 2016, like 1983, changed the course of my life. 2016 was a year of a 20 year marriage ending. 2016 was a year of losing the last of familial relationships, I thought I might have. 2016 was a year of my 4 beautiful children experiencing excruciating pain and the broken illusion of a happy family. I would be lying if I said I have not felt like I was the worse failure...