Empty

Preface:

Yes, it’s late. However, I have no job to go to tomorrow. So, lots of time to think, and ultimately I tend specialize in ticking people off when I speak my mind. The things and thoughts others hide. I am sorry that you hide in your cowardice.

As another year passes….what have I gained or lost in the last 34 years? Well, in this last year, I lost a 20 year marriage and continue to endure broken relationships with some of my children. I ask the Lord constantly, “What did I do?” “I know I wasn’t an ideal wife or person, but, will someone ever love me and understand me completely for who I am?” Ultimately, I am an adult. Scarred, marred, and damaged….I don’t know if I will ever be any one’s “normal”. And yet, there are those that say, you’re just feeling sorry for yourself. They see my tears as pathetic. Weak.  

I have spent the majority of my 43 years focused on my pride and independence.  Now that I am out of multiple toxic relationships, I realize how easily I was brainwashed by those that made themselves authority in my life to believe I was broken beyond repair. Demon possessed. An alcoholic like my father. An awful mother.  An awful human being.  I never would have believed I could be so easily influenced….but, it’s not easy. It is slow….manipulative, pre-meditated…work…life…they find your Achilles heel.

 I wasn’t strong then. I was weak. I lost me. Whoever she was.  I just knew in my soul….as I did as when I was a child…there had to be more than this….

I BEGGED to differ. I busted my butt in HS; was a single mom to a sick child; I went on to complete my associate’s degree, and my bachelor’s degree in the midst of fighting in a 3 year custody battle for my nephew.  I have spent most of my life trying to make a difference in the voices of kids that had none. My outside strength has been one my biggest downfalls. My strength has become the weakness that has been used against me.

Just because I can cry at the injustice, does NOT make me weak. It makes me human.  I have a passion. I am tired of those assuming something otherwise when I am overzealous regarding issues.

I realized that my last two jobs, being passionate and dedicated, was a negative. However, if you ask my ex or his family, they would say “what did you do?” DONE with those questions.

 I would rather live in a box before I give into the bureaucratic BS. Numbers. I said 2 years ago, if my job became numbers, I was out.  They got me first. NUMBERS=MONEY.  Who cares about the young human beings? I did.  Money won. We, as people, are always so replaceable. Sad. When did loyalty and dedication lose?

34 years. Same passion. Same mission. If you can’t stand for something,  you don’t stand for anything. MLK.