Skip to main content
Preface:
Yes, it’s late. However, I have no job to go to tomorrow. So, lots of time to think, and ultimately I tend specialize in ticking people off when I speak my mind. The things and thoughts others hide. I am sorry that you hide in your cowardice.

As another year passes….what have I gained or lost in the last 34 years? Well, in this last year, I lost a 20 year marriage and continue to endure broken relationships with some of my children. I ask the Lord constantly, “What did I do?” “I know I wasn’t an ideal wife or person, but, will someone ever love me and understand me completely for who I am?” Ultimately, I am an adult. Scarred, marred, and damaged….I don’t know if I will ever be any one’s “normal”. And yet, there are those that say, you’re just feeling sorry for yourself. They see my tears as pathetic. Weak.  

I have spent the majority of my 43 years focused on my pride and independence.  Now that I am out of multiple toxic relationships, I realize how easily I was brainwashed by those that made themselves authority in my life to believe I was broken beyond repair. Demon possessed. An alcoholic like my father. An awful mother.  An awful human being.  I never would have believed I could be so easily influenced….but, it’s not easy. It is slow….manipulative, pre-meditated…work…life…they find your Achilles heel.

 I wasn’t strong then. I was weak. I lost me. Whoever she was.  I just knew in my soul….as I did as when I was a child…there had to be more than this….

I BEGGED to differ. I busted my butt in HS; was a single mom to a sick child; I went on to complete my associate’s degree, and my bachelor’s degree in the midst of fighting in a 3 year custody battle for my nephew.  I have spent most of my life trying to make a difference in the voices of kids that had none. My outside strength has been one my biggest downfalls. My strength has become the weakness that has been used against me.

Just because I can cry at the injustice, does NOT make me weak. It makes me human.  I have a passion. I am tired of those assuming something otherwise when I am overzealous regarding issues.
I realized that my last two jobs, being passionate and dedicated, was a negative. However, if you ask my ex or his family, they would say “what did you do?” DONE with those questions.
 I would rather live in a box before I give into the bureaucratic BS. Numbers. I said 2 years ago, if my job became numbers, I was out.  They got me first. NUMBERS=MONEY.  Who cares about the young human beings? I did.  Money won. We, as people, are always so replaceable. Sad. When did loyalty and dedication lose?


34 years. Same passion. Same mission. If you can’t stand for something,  you don’t stand for anything. MLK.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Empty

Will I ever feel normal? Will I always be on the outside looking in? I never feel like I belong, and my gut continues to tell me all I say is wrong. Why couldn’t there have been just one? One that truly loved me so… Will this empty pit ever be gone? As I sit here alone, I know that is where I belong. I don’t understand any other way… What am I supposed to say? I feel the pressure sitting on my chest.. Why can’t I fit in like all the rest? I am hiding the tears because I have to be strong… I cannot be weak because than I truly do feel like a freak. I am trying not to feel sad, but it is so hard when all I feel is bad. Life will continue to move on, but I hope that I figure this out before I am long gone.
2 comments
Read more
The pain never really goes away….I know I need to start writing again, but I tend to get caught up in just trying to live. If we can call it that. I buried my mother over 40 years ago…there is a hole inside of me that nothing has been able to fill. I didn’t just bury her, but part of me that day. She was so young. It is so depressing to me how we as a society just live so flippantly like tomorrow is promised. Do I feel cheated? 100%. Have I been the best mother? Probably not, but I can say with everything I still have left in me…I tried.  As a person, life happens. Stuff happens. It shapes us, and we look back years later, and say what the heck was I thinking?? But, at that moment we only see what's in front of our face…not tomorrow. Once they are gone. It is done. There is no do over. What was her favorite food? What made her happy? Those questions will never be answered.  Holding on to stuff that has happened is like a toxic poison. It is not hurting the ones gone or that di...
Post a Comment
Read more

Never let go

Behind each human face is a hidden world that no one can see. 
We cannot continue to seek outside ourselves for the things we need from within. The demons will haunt us if we remain afraid. Silence is one of the great victims of modern culture. 
 -John O'Donohue This quote hit home this morning when I read it. I spent years looking outside of myself to find something or someone to fill those empty spaces that gnawed at me daily. I made life-changing decisions based on just wanting acceptance and love. I continued to chase after something that I would never find outside of myself. Your parents may be the ones that birthed you, but they do NOT define who you become unless you let them. We remain in our hell of silence more so than not b/c the pain & shame are just too great. No one understands, right? We turn everything inward, and it eats away at any bit of happiness & fulfillment we could possibly get out of life. Why? We are taught that asking for help makes you weak...
2 comments
Read more