Skip to main content

Living for today


History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.
- Maya Angelou 
If I could “unlive” my past, would I? If you have asked me this 10 years ago I would have told you yes. At that time I was wrestling with just wanting a mom & dad to love me. Someone to belong to. Today, I realize that God has a much bigger plan for me.

I fought it for year’s b/c I continued to look at it as being punished for being bad. I may be a grown woman, but b/c of the past it planted seeds in my mind that no matter what my age is it will plague me. I have had to learn to not let it control me…that is the difference.

I am trying to face each day knowing that I am a piece of a much bigger puzzle that I cannot see. When you have survived any form of abuse you go one of two ways. You hide behind the secret and shame or you are overwhelmed by passion & empathy to make people see that it happens over and over and we need to do what we can to help. The shame & guilt is what almost killed me. How the abuser manipulates it for us to feel those 2 very strong emotions is beyond me. But those are two emotions I have to be very careful with b/c they will destroy me.

I want to be a light for someone in pain or need. What that looks like for me is following Jesus and His example. I still have anger towards my parents, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t. I have to continually try to forgive them…I think it is a lifelong process…but that is ok.

The history of my drinking is probably one of the only ones I struggle with wanting to “unlive”. The reason being having my kids see that weakness & experience the pain…But it did teach me & my children the act of humbling yourself, admitting you mistakes, and asking for forgiveness. That is such huge step in the process of healing.

So all that being said, I try to live in the today. I have no idea if I will have tomorrow. I think the older I get the more my mortality worries me! I just have so many things I want to accomplish, but I am trusting that all things in His timing, not mine.

Be a blessing,
ajm

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Empty

Will I ever feel normal? Will I always be on the outside looking in? I never feel like I belong, and my gut continues to tell me all I say is wrong. Why couldn’t there have been just one? One that truly loved me so… Will this empty pit ever be gone? As I sit here alone, I know that is where I belong. I don’t understand any other way… What am I supposed to say? I feel the pressure sitting on my chest.. Why can’t I fit in like all the rest? I am hiding the tears because I have to be strong… I cannot be weak because than I truly do feel like a freak. I am trying not to feel sad, but it is so hard when all I feel is bad. Life will continue to move on, but I hope that I figure this out before I am long gone.
2 comments
Read more
The pain never really goes away….I know I need to start writing again, but I tend to get caught up in just trying to live. If we can call it that. I buried my mother over 40 years ago…there is a hole inside of me that nothing has been able to fill. I didn’t just bury her, but part of me that day. She was so young. It is so depressing to me how we as a society just live so flippantly like tomorrow is promised. Do I feel cheated? 100%. Have I been the best mother? Probably not, but I can say with everything I still have left in me…I tried.  As a person, life happens. Stuff happens. It shapes us, and we look back years later, and say what the heck was I thinking?? But, at that moment we only see what's in front of our face…not tomorrow. Once they are gone. It is done. There is no do over. What was her favorite food? What made her happy? Those questions will never be answered.  Holding on to stuff that has happened is like a toxic poison. It is not hurting the ones gone or that di...
Post a Comment
Read more

Thoughts...

Our lives may look different on the outside, but everyone has a story. I think we rush through life placing labels on others, because we are too into ourselves to actually find out why that person is overbearing, annoying, gossipy, mean etc. I know for the longest time, and still to this day, I am a hard person to get close to. Those walls that kept me safe for years, keep me from experiencing life sometimes. It is something I have to work on daily…will I ever be to the point of non-wariness in those situations? Probably not, but all I can do is try to be aware of it and try harder. I have been doing a lot of reading lately, and really trying to “weed” out a lot of the nonsense I (we) all put into our lives on a daily basis. If we truly look at our lives, how much of it is superficial and materialistic? I am as guilty as the next person in wanting “stuff”, and most of the time I don’t need. What are my thoughts and energies being put into? Stuff? Will any of that stuff ma...
Post a Comment
Read more