Living for today

History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.

- Maya Angelou 

If I could “unlive” my past, would I? If you have asked me this 10 years ago I would have told you yes. At that time I was wrestling with just wanting a mom & dad to love me. Someone to belong to. Today, I realize that God has a much bigger plan for me.

I fought it for year’s b/c I continued to look at it as being punished for being bad. I may be a grown woman, but b/c of the past it planted seeds in my mind that no matter what my age is it will plague me. I have had to learn to not let it control me…that is the difference.

I am trying to face each day knowing that I am a piece of a much bigger puzzle that I cannot see. When you have survived any form of abuse you go one of two ways. You hide behind the secret and shame or you are overwhelmed by passion & empathy to make people see that it happens over and over and we need to do what we can to help. The shame & guilt is what almost killed me. How the abuser manipulates it for us to feel those 2 very strong emotions is beyond me. But those are two emotions I have to be very careful with b/c they will destroy me.

I want to be a light for someone in pain or need. What that looks like for me is following Jesus and His example. I still have anger towards my parents, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t. I have to continually try to forgive them…I think it is a lifelong process…but that is ok.

The history of my drinking is probably one of the only ones I struggle with wanting to “unlive”. The reason being having my kids see that weakness & experience the pain…But it did teach me & my children the act of humbling yourself, admitting you mistakes, and asking for forgiveness. That is such huge step in the process of healing.

So all that being said, I try to live in the today. I have no idea if I will have tomorrow. I think the older I get the more my mortality worries me! I just have so many things I want to accomplish, but I am trusting that all things in His timing, not mine.

Be a blessing,

ajm