His Design for my life

When life hits you right in the gut...how do you respond? I have become so angry, disappointed, hurt, that I literally have no relationships now. I literally wake up to work, and work to live nowadays. That is not a life. It's just too much. I tend to push people away...or I think I do. However, every time I look in the mirror, I don't know who is staring back at me. How did I let myself get here. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.  All the good things I did and overcame, have come back to run over me again just in different forms and variations. And the kicker...I allowed it. Hurt people, hurt people. Makes me want to sit in a corner and sob quite frankly.  I have always been a pleaser because of my upbringing...now, I still do the same, but now it just makes me very angry. Again, I am allowing it, but it is so innate in me. It is very lonely. The fact that I am writing again is good, but I also know that my health is not the best. I guess get it out because once you are gone

Alot weighing on me. I stay off here. Because honestly, it's toxic. I realized I said I would not stay silent...And, I did, again...And I found this...I said I would never be silent again.... yet... for many years I have.... This was in my drafts----- Learning to let go of what you thought life would be. Life, to some is clearly cut into categorization of black and white …. however , my world has always had shades of gray. It had to be for my survival. I realize now that most do not want, nor do they care to understand that. I ask myself constantly, where did I go wrong? I am not the best, but who is? Was I the worst? I think it is stretching it, but possibly, to those I am. However, I still believe there are bonds that don’t get broken so easily. Right?  I survived the most hellacious event of my life, watching my own mother take her last breath...I know I am broken by my past, but can you give a girl a break? I have to respect myself enough to let go. Literally, figuratively,

My heart is hurting. This earthly realm lost a courageous and loving husband, father, grandfather, friend, and confidant. The last couple years life has changed so dramatically. One thing that never changed, towards me, was the love of Jim Maley. Even after his accident years ago, when he couldn’t express himself the way he wanted to, all of this that were around him, knew through his eyes and actions, the heart of who he was.  In the 20 plus years he was in my life, he was nothing but good to me. He loved me even at my worst. He saw something in me, I could not see. He treated me like a daughter, and that did not change when life changed. I was very blessed to get to say goodbye...a luxury many of us don’t get.  My heart breaks for Sue...lovely and faithful servant always. My heart also hurts for the multitude of people he has left behind...his kids, family, grand-kids , friends...he touched so many.  I will miss his smooches every time I saw him...that smile...that l

I rarely get the itch for writing anymore ...sad, because that has always  been my one and true outlet. However, when I feel it strongly enough, and after not sleeping for days because I have huge changes coming in my life, yes yet again. I feel compelled to let things out that have been broiling, and I know I can be way too opinionated.  Probably shouldn't have gotten back on social media. Amazing how easily we can be wiped out of their lives. I should be used to it by now? People always tend to give up when it’s easier. I continually ask the question, “Did I try hard enough?” “ Same question I asked as a child. Did they?”  Eternal question. #LordsPrayer So sappy today... sorry! Life for me is always turning upside down. I want to blame myself, because that is my natural reaction... I am a very HARD person to love, of this I am aware of, however, when does it become someone else & not about me to let it go, or try to at least to try and understand it? Oh wait, because

We are in a day and age where a badge can be a good thing or it can be a bad thing and could ultimately change our lives for the worse....or it could be for the better... it's a toss up, but that's everyday life.... Right? We have to understand we are ALL humans, with or without a badge. You choose to do what is right, or you choose to do what is wrong.... This man wore his badge with integrity, and he also chose to treat each person as a human being. Yes, these men are hard to find, but they are there. This is one of them....I want to honor his faithful service, valor, and humanism. Meet Gordon Finger, a veteran of the US Navy who served OUR country during the Cuban blockade, and is/was a retired Chief Deputy Sheriff for Van Wert County.   The legacy of heroes is the memory of a great name and the inheritance of a great example.--Benjamin Disraeli Although, I physically can not be there today, due to starting a new job, and this job I know Gordy would be thrille

What impact am I making? #Alice&George Seeing the pain and loss of someone you have loved for over 6 decades...The fear of what to do next, the pain of how do you move through the next day...I have seen the pain of loss, but the pain I saw tonight….surpasses my understanding. I think we have an amazing God. He did amazing things for me through an amazing couple. My heart mourns for the loss of this beloved mother, grandmother, wife, sister, friend….I will never forget the many nights you would look at me, and tell me I was a child of God. I was loved….I barely knew you. The impact this entire family had on me will always be in my heart. God placed them in my life at the exact time I needed them...Alice, you are beyond loved and will be sorely missed. Thank you for sharing your life and family with me. You have left an amazing impact on those around you that will not be soon forgotten… I hope someday those around me look at me, like your kids look at you...I love you, a