March 25, 1983. The day Domestic Violence and death became my reality...

Another year has passed since my parents left this earth. That day so long ago more than my parents died, but also a nine-year-old little girl as well. Any hopes and dreams of healing and restoration of her family were destroyed. Not only her, but for her 3 younger siblings who were robbed of ever knowing their parents. I think of how I recall that day, the sun shining, and anticipation of moving to a new home where we could be safe from the sickness that had taken over my father.  My heart hurts for those 4 innocent children, but, after years of working through the pain, it also hurts for my parents. Lives cut way too short at 32 years old and 26 years old. For my father, sadness that healing from addiction, past demons, and hurts never came. My mom, a young mother who lived in constant fear and anxiety. No joy, no laughter, loss of seeing their children grow up, no weddings, graduations, grandchildren...and one of the hardest for me...is the validation of acknowledging it wasn't my fault, and the humility of saying they were sorry for the hell they put us through.

             It seems a lifetime away most days. I learned at a young age how to disassociate myself from painful feelings and memories, but other days it feels like yesterday.  I spent many, too many years wishing he had taken my life that day too. Look at a 9 year old that you know in your life, and imagine that type of thinking going through their mind.  All we wanted, and all kids want, are to feel loved, cherished, and protected. Not to live in fear day after day.

             Most people believe after all these years the pain should be less...every person is different. Due to my age, the trauma was burned into my memory. Do I wish it would vanish? Yes, but today I am realistic. I just don't let it control me anymore.

             However, by the grace of God, and the many great people He has put in my life over the years, has given me hope, healing, and the realization that this tragedy is now my testimony to help others and glorify Him. That realization took me over 20 some years of going from why? Why? Why?.... to accepting I will never know the answer, but I can use what I have learned from this painful process over the last 32 years to help others not to feel alone and broken. Praise God.

             As I sit here on this dreary day, I don't have the shroud of darkness I once did, but one of anticipation of what God has in store for the next chapter of my life. The more I grow in Him, the less that day 32 years ago, haunts me.

2 Corinthians 5: 17-19

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: 19 that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.