Another
year has passed since my parents left this earth. That day so long ago more
than my parents died, but also a nine-year-old little girl as well. Any hopes
and dreams of healing and restoration of her family were destroyed. Not only
her, but for her 3 younger siblings who were robbed of ever knowing their
parents. I think of how I recall that day, the sun shining, and anticipation of
moving to a new home where we could be safe from the sickness that had taken
over my father. My heart hurts for those 4 innocent children, but, after
years of working through the pain, it also hurts for my parents. Lives cut way
too short at 32 years old and 26 years old. For my father, sadness that healing
from addiction, past demons, and hurts never came. My mom, a young mother who
lived in constant fear and anxiety. No joy, no laughter, loss of seeing their
children grow up, no weddings, graduations, grandchildren...and one of the
hardest for me...is the validation of acknowledging it wasn't my fault, and the
humility of saying they were sorry for the hell they put us through.
It
seems a lifetime away most days. I learned at a young age how to disassociate
myself from painful feelings and memories, but other days it feels like
yesterday. I spent many, too many years wishing he had taken my life that
day too. Look at a 9 year old that you know in your life, and imagine that type
of thinking going through their mind. All we wanted, and all kids
want, are to feel loved, cherished, and protected. Not to live in fear day
after day.
Most
people believe after all these years the pain should be less...every person is
different. Due to my age, the trauma was burned into my memory. Do I wish it
would vanish? Yes, but today I am realistic. I just don't let it control me
anymore.
However,
by the grace of God, and the many great people He has put in my life over the
years, has given me hope, healing, and the realization that this tragedy is now
my testimony to help others and glorify Him. That realization took me over 20
some years of going from why? Why? Why?.... to accepting I will never know the
answer, but I can use what I have learned from this painful process over the
last 32 years to help others not to feel alone and broken. Praise God.
As
I sit here on this dreary day, I don't have the shroud of darkness I once did,
but one of anticipation of what God has in store for the next chapter of my
life. The more I grow in Him, the less that day 32 years ago, haunts me.
2 Corinthians 5: 17-19
Therefore, if anyone is
in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 18 All
this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the
ministry of reconciliation: 19 that God was reconciling the world to himself in
Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the
message of reconciliation.
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