So my story started in 1973. Changed dramatically in 1983.
And here we are in 2015. I published in 2010. However, that story has changed,
morphed, redeemed, to the point of the only
thing that I wouldn’t change is the day of March 25, 1983. Everything that
led up to that point was told thru my nine year old’s child point of view, and
all after that…well was a “somewhat” healed adult.
Here is the thing, silence comes in many forms. Silence when
you know something is wrong whether it is due to fear or shame or whatever, is
a disservice to you and whoever else is involved. Silence when you’re a victim
of circumstance is life altering. I have so many people in my life, mostly
family, that have chosen to stay silent about who my parents were…whether it is
due to fear, pride, shame, pain etc… that they have in essence, “robbed me” of
knowing who these 2 people were. Why is that a big deal? BECAUSE, any victim or
child (or maybe it’s just me) wants to know why they are, who they are, what
they are…what has brought them to who they are and what they have become!
I have been judge and jury to a lot of innocent people. How
many of us are guilty of this? How dare I judge, when I have no idea? Because
we are taught we have the right to blame anyone and anything for our behavior,
decisions, etc. This is the crux of one of my issues. I truly believe that God
saved me that day, 32 years ago, and I will not be swayed any other way. Did I grow up in a faith based home? No. Did
someone tell me God loved me and would protect me? No…only going to church one
time. 5 years old. Given a bible and taught a song…”Jesus loves me”, changed my
life. I am not ashamed, and I feel for that for the past year or so I have lost
sight of why I wrote the book and published my deepest wounds for all to see,
read and judge.
My purpose has been changing, evolving, and honestly, I have
no idea what or where I am going at this point. A job has ended, not a career,
but once again, humanity has shown to be so skewed and twisted by money and
face value that I have slowly become numb and negative. My decisions on
employment have always been deed based or simpler terms; they have defined how
I feel I am as a person. Yes, that is SO
false, but growing up being told that, you try to figure out what where you
excel or fit, and you conform to it.
However, I know I
am not a conformer, which has led me to today. I am not a self-righteous, bible
beating over your head, zealot, but I think deep down we all have moral/God
compass. However, do we heed to it? Or even acknowledge it? No, most don’t.
What has brought this rant on? I have conformed to “world”
“accepting” views. That is NOT why I published or even wrote my book. I am
disappointed in myself…I have watched my Facebook “fans” drop in the last
couple months, and honestly I have just wanted to delete the page. I have been
trying to make fans happy instead of spreading the knowledge and educating on
child abuse and domestic violence. I lose fans when I post information
regarding REAL issues. Those supporters that have stuck by me, I am sorry for
giving in and conforming. I have started a follow up to “I Will Not Be Silent”,
but do any of you even want to hear/read a more in depth book? What do you want
to know? I have struggled, failed, and any other form of screw-up!
What do the next steps look like? I am not real sure. I am
trusting that my Father, God alone, will lead me as He has always has. There are no mistakes. Lessons and
healing.
If I am meant to publish and share the second part of my
life it will happen. Love and thanks to all that have believed in me.
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