Skip to main content

NO, looking back.


"Nobody gets to live life backward. 
Look ahead that is where your future lies." Ann Landers

Isn’t that the truth? We spend so much time in the past that we don’t see what is right in front of us! I know that I have spent much of my life doing just that. When I ponder why I do it, I am sad that it is because that is where I am most comfortable! That is all I know or rather all I have known. I know different now, but old habits die-hard.

There are those that don’t understand survivors of abuse or individuals that battle addiction. In their eyes it is clear-cut. Leave the abuser (if you are an adult) or quit using. If it were so simple, would there even be an epidemic of mass proportion that we deal with in this day and age? Most of the time the abused & some form of addiction go hand and hand.

There is absolutely nothing easy about breaking out of the chains that bind you, no matter what those chains are. People that don’t understand need to take a step back, and walk a day in the shoes of the oppressed. We all have opinions and believe we know what we would do in a situation that we look at, but trust me, you have no idea until it is sitting right in front of you.

There are those also who have no idea what it feels like to stand in a room full of people and feel so alone. When I am in pain, I tend to withdraw and go inward. It is not a good place, but the fear and my untrusting nature push me into solitude. Is that the way to live? Absolutely not. That is where I become my most self-destructive.

Life is a journey. Sometimes a journey that is more pain than it is joy, but one thing I have to continue to remind myself is that no matter what anyone does to me I control what I do and how I think. No one can take my peace unless I allow them to. It is so hard and painful, more so than not, but I look to the day when I no longer have to fight the self-sabotage and realize I am worth so much more.

Until then….I will keep on trudging along & doing my best to make a difference in those that are still suffering. I am an adult now, and I feel it is my job to try and fight for those that are still living in silence due to the fear of their oppressor. We need to band together as survivors and fight these demons that are destroying our own.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Life as I knew it....

Lost. Confused. Hurt. So many emotions that have consumed most of my life, and have become again intensely prevalent in the last year. When I re-read my journals, writings, posts….I see a trend. I see the problems, but nothing changes. I can’t say I have not grown, matured, and learned the patterns, but there are still the same themes. Love. It is elusive, self-serving, and ambiguous to me. I don’t know if that will ever change, and it scares me. It may sound trivial to many, but when it is not afforded to you as a young child, it does affect your ability to grasp the complexity of it, and create healthy relationships. 2016, like 1983, changed the course of my life. 2016 was a year of a 20 year marriage ending. 2016 was a year of losing the last of familial relationships, I thought I might have. 2016 was a year of my 4 beautiful children experiencing excruciating pain and the broken illusion of a happy family. I would be lying if I said I have not felt like I was the worse failure...
4 comments
Read more

Today. Yesterday. Future.

Today. Yesterday. Future. I have felt the pain. I have seen the destruction. I have witnessed the demoralization. I have watched them flee. The pain of no one there. The debilitating thought of trusting. Yet, I have learned. There is  One who holds my past, present and future. However, I hold it close to my vest, like I think I can control it. Fear is  crippling. I did not do enough. Was I ever enough? So many questions. God. My only true supporter. He wants me. Even when the others do not. Why do I run from Him? This is who I am. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Why can’t anyone see that? I want to quit fighting. I want to give up. Yet, my Father in Heaven keeps pulling me back. Why? Each day is anew. I know this. However, each day I breathe, is one more breath I know soon I will not take. Fear of death used to cripple me. Now...I have learned… No matter what I do, say or become… I have bee...
Post a Comment
Read more

Some things are better left buried

I know I have moments of my childhood that are complete blanks. I believe in some cases that is my own way of self preservation against memories I cannot handle. I try not to delve too deeply, b/c I am honestly afraid of what I might find. I ask myself "will it change anything?", no in most cases it won't, so why open myself up to more pain? Everybody learns to cope differently...I get that, but for me the memories I have are more than enough to make me nuts! Life right now feels like an out of control tornado. These times come around when my life has major decisions on the horizon. So much going on right now in my life, that I feel myself getting sucked in that hole. Questioning everything that I know to be true...why do I do this? Much of it is my personality, but mostly it is my lack of control that makes me crazy. I can't control someone else's pain or struggles...I can offer what has worked for me. Some one in my life is in the process of opening Pandora'...
Post a Comment
Read more