Skip to main content

Checking in? or Checking Out?

Who am I? Where do I belong? I don’t know if others that were raised similar to my upbringing can understand (hope they do), I am struggling badly. I promised I would be honest and transparent, and here it is boys and girls.   I have no job. I want my book to do well, but not for me, my goal was for what I can give back…so where does that leave me? Floating in the sea of unknown. 


The only thing (besides my kids and hubby) that I get up for now is this fan site. It is amazing how alone you can feel in a world of thousands around you…why is that?   I am truly trying to figure out where God wants me right now, but guess what? I am holding the reins, and won’t let go! Old habits die-hard. With me in charge will only cause heartache. It is in these moments when you want to turn to a friend, a parent, anyone…but honestly the only one that is going to hold the answers is God. I know this, but I fight it tooth and nail! 


So frustrating. When I say this site keeps me going, please believe me that it does. When I want to check out…I can’t. Because I know how badly I will have failed all of you.   How is that for honest? Transparent? This is real life people. There is no more room for the BS we try to deliver.   Love you guys, and I hope I figure this out soon…I am driving myself up a wall. Why can’t I be normal and enjoy sitting around? I can’t. I may lose my mind!   For it is in those quiet moments that our answers will be revealed…and April keeps noise going 24/7…I have 3 fans in my room…hello, can you say OCD?

Comments

  1. UnknownOctober 6, 2010 at 10:36 PM

    You could never fail us April. We need you. We're not in this alone anymore. God Bless.

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousOctober 30, 2010 at 12:11 PM

    Your book has a life of its own, don't be afraid or concerned. Keep sowing and getting on with life. Transitions are never easy but so worth every step. Learn to enjoy the time you have while turning over every stone of opportunity.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Never let go

Behind each human face is a hidden world that no one can see. 
We cannot continue to seek outside ourselves for the things we need from within. The demons will haunt us if we remain afraid. Silence is one of the great victims of modern culture. 
 -John O'Donohue This quote hit home this morning when I read it. I spent years looking outside of myself to find something or someone to fill those empty spaces that gnawed at me daily. I made life-changing decisions based on just wanting acceptance and love. I continued to chase after something that I would never find outside of myself. Your parents may be the ones that birthed you, but they do NOT define who you become unless you let them. We remain in our hell of silence more so than not b/c the pain & shame are just too great. No one understands, right? We turn everything inward, and it eats away at any bit of happiness & fulfillment we could possibly get out of life. Why? We are taught that asking for help makes you weak...
2 comments
Read more

Father, do you hear their cries...

Will there ever be a day when I can read the news with out wanting to get physically sick for the injustice that continues to go on? It goes from a WA woman broadcasting sex acts with a 2 week old baby, 8yr old little girl, and a 6yr old little boy. What can you even say to that? I cannot even in my darkest days begin to even come close to rationalizing that one. How soon till these kids are given back to her? What does the future look like for them? There are so many sick and twisted people in this world that sometimes it is hard to not be pessimistic. When I posted the other day about the TX man who beheaded three children b/c he thought they were demons, and he was the chosen one…seriously who can possibly come up with this stuff? I do my best to not be a bible thumper on people, but I believe that the bottom dweller roams this earth, and works through people like the ones in these stories. Again, I ask myself, where is family and friends of these lunatics? I will say it over ...
1 comment
Read more
Alot weighing on me. I stay off here. Because honestly, it's toxic. I realized I said I would not stay silent...And, I did, again...And I found this...I said I would never be silent again.... yet... for many years I have.... This was in my drafts----- Learning to let go of what you thought life would be. Life, to some is clearly cut into categorization of black and white …. however , my world has always had shades of gray. It had to be for my survival. I realize now that most do not want, nor do they care to understand that. I ask myself constantly, where did I go wrong? I am not the best, but who is? Was I the worst? I think it is stretching it, but possibly, to those I am. However, I still believe there are bonds that don’t get broken so easily. Right?  I survived the most hellacious event of my life, watching my own mother take her last breath...I know I am broken by my past, but can you give a girl a break? I have to respect myself enough to let go. Literally, figurativ...
2 comments
Read more