His Design for my life

Another year has passed since my parents left this earth. That day so long ago more than my parents died, but also a nine-year-old little girl as well. Any hopes and dreams of healing and restoration of her family were destroyed. Not only her, but for her 3 younger siblings who were robbed of ever knowing their parents. I think of how I recall that day, the sun shining, and anticipation of moving to a new home where we could be safe from the sickness that had taken over my father.  My heart hurts for those 4 innocent children, but, after years of working through the pain, it also hurts for my parents. Lives cut way too short at 32 years old and 26 years old. For my father, sadness that healing from addiction, past demons, and hurts never came. My mom, a young mother who lived in constant fear and anxiety. No joy, no laughter, loss of seeing their children grow up, no weddings, graduations, grandchildren...and one of the hardest for me...is the validation of...

Cleaning out things and re-arranging my many piles of academic papers, bills, bible studies, various journals...I came across something I wrote in June of 2013. Thought I would share because I am kinda feeling this way again... "Stuck in the middle of the pendulum of life. Swinging back and forth with no direction and no consistent action. Tedious. Stagnant. The noise of the clacking of the pendulum balls. The noise seems normal at first, but then it becomes deafening. Feel the nerves fray. Feel the sense of unease and unrest. I am trying to find my way for God's plan. The noise of silence is deafening. Where do I go? What do I do? Will I ever feel "normal" and at peace?" Can anyone relate to this madness?

So my story started in 1973. Changed dramatically in 1983. And here we are in 2015. I published in 2010. However, that story has changed, morphed, redeemed, to the point of the only thing that I wouldn’t change is the day of March 25, 1983. Everything that led up to that point was told thru my nine year old’s child point of view, and all after that…well was a “somewhat” healed adult. Here is the thing, silence comes in many forms. Silence when you know something is wrong whether it is due to fear or shame or whatever, is a disservice to you and whoever else is involved. Silence when you’re a victim of circumstance is life altering. I have so many people in my life, mostly family, that have chosen to stay silent about who my parents were…whether it is due to fear, pride, shame, pain etc… that they have in essence, “robbed me” of knowing who these 2 people were. Why is that a big deal? BECAUSE, any victim or child (or maybe it’s just me) wants to know why they are, ...